Root.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

“There are only two men on the planet that you can trust: me, and your dad. And I’m not so sure about your dad.”
~ Offer Korin, fancy attorney and de facto big brother

These sage words of cautionary advice were offered to me many moons ago, and are not intended to besmirch the sterling character of my beloved father. Rather, they indicate a fraternal instinct to protect me from the general male population, combined with a gentle reminder that Pop can be full of shit.

Both of my parents, an uncle, and virtually all of our friends are lawyers. A profanity-laden debate is to our clan what a boozy flag football game is to the Kennedys. But every once in a while one of us (and by “one of us”, I mean “Pop”) will generate an argument that is a colossal pile of horseshit - and then proceed to defend it to the death. For example:

Pop’s hearing has been less than stellar for some time now, and he will absolutely not admit it. I once broached the subject and was treated to a long winded and intricately crafted defense that he closed with an assertion that the symptoms we’d attributed to his loss of hearing were really indicators that he has superior auditory powers. That’s right. With a straight face he said “It’s not that I’m losing my hearing, it’s that I actually hear too well.”. Total conviction to this premise.

On another occasion, my parents’ adorable Black Labs were lingering a little too close to the table at a dinner party. When their noses were practically touching plates, someone spoke up and made a joke about them being good beggars. Pop took great exception to this and immediately spoke up for his dogs. He informed everyone that they were not, in fact, begging, because begging would inherently constitute an expectation of a positive result on their part; since his little princesses clearly KNEW that they’d never actually get anything, they were not begging. Begging, by definition, was completely different. This was just dogs looking at diners with huge, moist eyes while softly whining and licking their chops. Which is somehow not begging.

So, obviously, though my father is a fine and upstanding man, Offer’s right. Pop cannot always be trusted.

One area where his credibility remains unscathed is breakfast. My family loves a big breakfast, and Pop is the master of this domain. His biscuits and sausage gravy is the absolute ideal - I make it precisely how he does, and it’s the only version that tastes “right” to me. My father is the kindest, kookiest, smartest, most generous and warm-hearted fella in the universe. In celebration of my dad’s massive awesomeness, I give you the perfect breakfast to make for Father’s Day:

John Vargo’s Sausage Gravy

Sausage
Milk
Flour
Salt and LOTS of fresh cracked black pepper

This one is more of a method than a recipe - the ingredients can be scaled up and down as needed, and it can be modified to suit your tastes.

Cook some sausage in a large frying pan - I like something a little spicy myself, but you can sub in anything you like (maple or sage flavored sausage, for example; or if you are in the unfortunate circumstance of having a vegetarian dad, some sort of fake tofu-based thing). This is a time for good old fashioned sausage - leave the super fancy ones for some other purpose. Leave it in large hunks - don't mash it all up into pork-y confetti.

Once the sausage has been cooked, you should have a nice amount of fat in your pan. Sprinkle a light dusting of flour over the whole shebang, and work it gently into the meat, cooking it through. You're making a roux here, so the amount depends on how much sausage/fat you have, and how much liquid you're going to add - the Great God Ruhlman tells us that the proper ratio is 3 parts flour to 2 parts fat.

When the flour has cooked through and started to foam a bit, add your milk. If your dad is lactose intolerant, make him something else. Slowly add the milk a little at a time, combining gently with a whisk or fork as you go. Once the whole works comes back up to temperature and starts to boil, it will thicken and you can adjust it as you like.

At this point, add salt as needed, and throw in LOTS of fresh cracked black pepper. Lots. Taste and adjust for seasoning, then spoon over homemade biscuits. We like to use drop biscuits, because the craggy, irregular tops get crunchy and brown, and they offer a nice texture. If you like to roll them out, go ahead. But for the love of all that is holy, don't use those horrifying refrigerated dough things - your father might disown you if you do.

I love you, Mum!

2011-05-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to regale you with the tale of The Time My Mom Vomited Into Her Purse.

My beloved Mum (whom I’ve written about here and here) is a pint-sized powerhouse who can hold her liquor. Until she can’t.

Both Mum and Pop are attorneys (very Adam’s Rib) , and once upon a time in the 80’s, they worked crazy hours and had a wacky office full of interesting characters. It would have made a great sitcom.

One of the recurring characters was my Pop’s best friend, JPhillip, a man of rather grand charisma like my father. One night, after a long week of doing Important Work, the power trio of Mum, Pop, and Jphillip needed to blow off some steam. This was achieved chiefly a pursuit of large amounts of swearing, rich food, and top shelf booze.

It should be noted at this point that the two gentlemen in question were men of rather large girth as well as charisma. Mum is a wee pixie, just under 100lbs soaking wet. But she’s also tough as nails. I am dead serious when I say that my mom can beat up your mom. This is why no one thought a thing of it when she kept pace with every bite and every drink.

JPhillip was assigned the transportation duties, and Pop apparently called shotgun - which left Mum sitting alone in the back seat, slowly becoming acutely aware of the depth of her intoxication. And while she may be a badass, she’s also a lady, so when she was finally overcome, she quietly opened her handbag and puked inside.

Meanwhile, I was a surly 16 yearold busy listening to the Cure, dying my red hair black, and shuffling around in witchy boots with bats on the buckles. So, you know, there was a natural sense of conflict. Which is why I was surprised at her response that morning when I asked if I could have $20 for gas.

I should have sensed the disturbance in the Force right away because she immediately said yes and told me I could get it out of her wallet. This was unprecedented. But I was young and dumb and really wanted the $20.

I learned a number of things from my Mum on that day.

You can be a badass and a lady at the same time.
If you are clever, there is no situation - no matter how potentially humiliating - that you cannot turn to work in your favor.
Don’t fuck with Mum. She will always win.

I am grateful for these lessons, and many more (long hemlines just make you look shorter, spelling counts, question authority, etc.) that she has passed to me. I am also grateful for her Bloody Mary recipe. Mum likes them spicy, boozy, and homemade. And as usual, she is right.

Mum’s Kick Ass Bloody Mary
    •    8-10 limes, juiced
    •    11/2 tablespoons celery seed
    •    4 tablespoons horseradish (Grate the real thing if you can, or use a good quality prepared version if you must)
    •    2 quarts V-8 (this is important! Don’t use a nasty fucking mix, people. And don’t use plain tomato juice. Trust us here.)
    •    3 tablespoons Tobasco
    •    2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
    •    1 3/4 cups good vodka, chilled in the freezer
    •    Salt, pepper, smoked paprika, and additional celery seed (to garnish the rim of the glasses)

Get a big pitcher, and juice the limes directly into it (over a strainer - seeds are not welcome here!). Throw in the horseradish, celery seed, a generous pinch of Kosher salt, and about 10 grinds of black pepper - muddle them all together with a big wooden spoon.

Add the vodka, V-8, Worcestershire, Tobasco, and stir to combine. Refrigerate it for a while, so everything can get acquainted.

Combine salt/pepper/smoked paprika/celery salt in a shallow saucer; Rub one of the spent limes around the rim of a large tumbler, then invert into saucer of salt rub to rim the glass with tasty goodness. Fill tumbler with ice, pour chilled Bloody Mary mix over the top, garnish with celery stalk.
Proceed to get drunk with your mom and remind her how much you love her.

Make It So

2011-04-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

It is a well known fact that I am bi-Trekxual (meaning I enjoy the warm embrace of both the original Star Trek as well as Star Trek: The Next Generation). If you put a phaser to my head and made me choose, I’d have to pick TNG and Captain Jean-Luc Picard as my favorite.

Data was a perfect dramatic device for exploring human emotions and relationships. The effects were better. Plus we got to have a legit Klingon (well, half anyway) as a senior crew member. But it was - as it should be - the Captain who really made the show.

The casting of a well-known Shakespearian actor in a Star Trek role was genius - it lent a certain credibility. Less kitschy fake rocks/making out with green chicks, more morality plays and conflicted character development.

Happily, every episode will be available for free on Netflix streaming starting July 1. That’s right, my Geeklets - the perfect reason to while away those bright, sunny months indoors! Let’s face it, a roof is an impenetrable SPF barrier, so it’s basically healthy. Just go with me on this one.

I look forward to revisiting some of my favorite Jean-Luc Picard moments - like The Inner Light, when he lives an entire lifetime in 25 minutes, and plays the flute (I cry like a baby every time). The Locutus of Borg episodes. And of course, his well documented love for tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

I myself am a fan of tea, especially Earl Grey. It’s a nice, strong, black tea, lightly scented with bergamot (a kind of orange oil). I always take it with some milk, and a little sweet.

I decided to make something that would support and heighten the natural aromatic nature of this traditional tea, while adding the light sweetness I enjoy.

Since the bergamot is orange, that seemed the obvious place to start. I had a little lavender on hand (thanks, AuntieC!), so I used some of that as well, and incorporated everything into a simple syrup. Which, I discovered, is PAINFULLY boring to photograph. Seriously - clear syrup. Not compelling. So here are the basic ingredients, and my favorite teapot.

Simple Syrup for Earl Grey (hot)
    •    1 C sugar
    •    ¾ C water
    •    Zest from an orange (use a paring knife or peeler to remove just the outer skin with the flavorful oils - trim away any bitter white pith)
    •    1 T culinary lavender

    •    Dissolve sugar into water in a heavy-bottomed saucepan and bring to a boil
    •    Add orange zest (big hunks are fine - you’ll strain it out later)
    •    Place lavender into a tea ball or tie in a piece of cheesecloth and add to the syrup (no tea ball or cheesecloth? No problem! Just throw it in there and strain it out later.)
    •    Simmer for 5 minutes
    •    Cool, strain through fine mesh colander or cheesecloth
    •    Keep in refrigerator
    •    Add a few spoons to a piping hot cup of Earl Grey, and feel pleased that you did it without the help of a replicator

Evil Incarnate

2011-04-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

Seems to me that regular folks only started getting culinary boners over Spanish cuisine in the past couple of years. You know, suddenly everyone (myself included) starts tossing around the smoked paprika and cooking with tons of chorizo (extra pretentious douchebag points are earned if you pronounce it with a Catalan-ish accent, as in “chori-tho”!).

So you can imagine my surprise when I ran across the “Spanish Pizza for the Gang” card in the Entertaining on a Shoestring section of my vintage Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, which hails from 1971. Surprise turned to bewilderment, then revulsion, then to a dark curiosity. You know, the kind generally reserved for poking dead stuff with sticks.

Spanish Pizza for the Gang. This is an odd bit of fusion, especially given era. So there’s that. The name would lead one to believe that this recipe will turn out an actual pizza, and that it will have some sort of Spanish ingredients involved. LIES! In fact, the ingredients and method listed in this recipe have absolutely nothing to do with anything Spanish at all. Frankly, they barely have anything to do with food.

Here’s a scan of the back of the card so that you can see it for yourselves. I provide this evidence as NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND would ever believe it otherwise. There is an enormous amount of processed, wet, tomato-ness going on: 2 ½ oz spaghetti sauce mix, 28 oz of canned tomatoes, 8 oz of tomato sauce (seriously, I’m bad at math, but isn’t that like a quart or so of crap?).

A package of brown & serve sausage links are to be included as a topping (as a joke? I hope?). The only “seasoning” - and I use that term extremely loosely - is a mere ½ cup of chopped green peppers, and 1 teaspoon of red pepper sauce. Salt and pepper don’t even make an appearance on the list.

And perhaps most blasphemous (and baffling) of all: one full fucking pound of cream cheese. CREAM CHEESE, PEOPLE! This is not a Spanish ingredient. This has no place on a pizza. A pound of cream cheese? And it’s not even spread over the bottom crust - which doesn’t make sense, but somehow seems more logical than the instruction to “cut cream cheese into lengthwise strips; arrange strips in lattice-fashion”.

Imagine biting into the wet, bland sea of tomato, topped with wee rounds of breakfast sausage and slabs of pale, thick cream cheese. There are tears in my eyes, and my chin is quivering. The world no longer makes sense. The sky has turned dark - suddenly, Ferran Adria wakes from a nightmare, heart racing, his ashen soul swearing vengeance upon the forces that created this Spanish Pizza for the Gang.

Listen closely, and you can hear the sound of the Evil That Is Sandra Lee quietly laughing.

Okonomiyaki

2011-04-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

I believe there is an additional ring of hell, reserved for those even more heinous than the traitors that reside in Dante’s 9th Circle. A deeper place of sin, where even Virgil would think twice before hitting the gas on the tour bus. This final cave of horror houses only one demon: Sandra Lee.

That woman is a culinary terrorist. A fiend. She is responsible for the deeply disturbing Kwanzaa cake (this clip makes me do a full body cringe):

Her worst offense, to my mind, is the senseless and pervasive use of processed and fake “seasonings” and packets of unknown provenance. The envelopes filled with MSG, the bottles and jars of awful artificial nonsense. It’s not cooking. For the love of all that is holy, don’t make food like this!

This is why my next recommendation is highly unusual - I don’t much cotton to the packaged foodstuffs, myself. But I know yummy when I taste it, and okonomiyaki is a yummy you can make at home with the help of a package.

Typically, okonomiyaki is a street food, a bar food - something casual and comforting (and great when you’re drunk!). It’s salty and savory and crispy, and you can garnish it with a variety of goodies. For credible and detailed reference and recipe info, click HERE and HERE. You’ll get the idea.

It’s often called “Japanese pizza”, but that’s just fucking stupid (“round and edible” does not equal “pizza”). It’s more like a crepe, or a pancake batter, holding cabbage and whatever of protein or veg you like (also great for leftovers!). The batter is made from wheat flour and mountain yam, which is sticky and viscous - but happily it all comes in a convenient powdered mix. We used a brand called Otafuku, mostly because they have the instructions in four languages, including English.

The batter mix is folded a couple of beaten eggs and liquid (we used some chicken stock we had on hand, but you can totally do it with water) then combined with shredded cabbage and the other assorted bits & pieces.

The whole shebang is then cooked in a skillet over medium heat, until it sets and the bottom is brown and delicious. Then flip & cook the other side the same way.

It’s traditionally dressed with mayo (the Kewpie kind is most common - a Japanese mayo that is always living in the door of our ‘fridge):

...as well as okonomiyaki sauce (kind of a savory/sweet salty sauce…maybe a little like thick Worcestershire? Hard to describe. Umamilicious.), and powdered seaweed (which comes in the package with the batter mix).

Okonomiyaki “kits” are readily available at Asian supermarkets (luckily, Uwajimaya is just up the street from Root HQ) for about $3, and of course you can order online from a variety of sources (ask the Googles).

Easy, frugal, and a great way to sexy up some leftovers. Packaged foods are powerful tools - use them wisely, lest you succumb to the dark side and end up rooming in Hell’s basement with the Governor of New York’s soon to be wife.

Bloody Sweet

2011-03-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows that the blood in the Psycho shower scene is chocolate syrup, right? Right. (Bosco, specifically.)

It was also used in the 1968 classic, Night of the Living Dead (Syrup provenance undetermined.)

This establishes chocolate syrup as not only a tasty treat, but a useful tool in the arsenal of horror movie make up artists. Which means it’s pretty much a perfect product. I decided to make my own, because I really wanted to spike it with some cayenne and cinnamon for spicy mochas.

Making chocolate syrup is really easy. Unless, of course, you are distracted by the dog barking at a spider (yes, she barks at spiders), thinking about work, half answering an email, and unloading the dishwasher. Because then, you are not inclined to measure accurately and pay attention. Which means your first attempt may look like this:

Clearly, this is not chocolate syrup.

BUT, as long as you have about 5 minutes and you pay attention, you can make your own in no time.

This makes a fairly large batch - about 5 cups - so if you don’t think you have use for that much spicy chocolate goodness (in which case, you have my sympathy), you can eliminate the spices and make a plain batch. Then it’s easy enough to divide it up and flavor smaller portions as needed.

Spicy Chocolate Syrup

1 ½ C water
3 C sugar
1 ½ C good cocoa powder (use something good here people, it matters!)
1 T vanilla extract
½ t cayenne (or more - I like more, but make it to your taste)
½ t cinnamon
½ t Kosher salt
As much fresh grated nutmeg as you like
2 T light corn syrup

~ Bring the water and sugar to a boil in a small, heavy bottomed pot.
~ Add remaining ingredients, whisk until everything is dissolved and smooth/shiny
~ Reduce until thickened (remember that it will thicken a bit more upon cooling), then cool to room temp and put into squeeze bottles.

It’s delicious in the aforementioned spicy mochas, but it’s also great on vanilla ice cream, or in a grown up egg cream.

And of course, if you’re filming a little black and white horror flick in your spare time (and I expect that at least 25% of my readers are, at any given moment), it will do double duty as fake blood. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.

Mrs. Lovett's Pies

2011-02-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

Ever thought about how the pitch meeting for Hogan’s Heroes went? I have. Coz it’s super hard for me to imagine. “It’s a Nazi POW camp - and it’s hilarious!” getting the green-light from anyone.

Same goes for my favorite musical, Sondheim’s Sweeney Todd - “It’s a revenge fantasy based in Victorian London. With murder. And cannibalism. And lots of singing and dancing.”. It simply does not sound like it would work. But it does. (Sweeney Todd, I mean. Never liked Hogan’s Heroes.)

I became obsessed with it at about 12, when the Angela Lansbury version was broadcast on PBS. I taped it and watched it over and over - especially this scene, with the song “A Little Priest”:

Even then, I loved the deeply complicated rhyme schemes and cadence of the songs. And I always delighted in that moment when our dear barber “gets” it. Lansbury’s Mrs. Lovett was somehow adorable in her creepiness…she made cannibalism for profit downright whimsical! In a terribly dark way, of course. (Note to self: start an all girl goth band and call it Dark Whimsy).

There are times when the bits and pieces of neglected leftovers in the refrigerator become as hard to get rid of as a body. I mean, I’ve never actually had to get rid of a body, but seriously - half a sausage or part of a chicken breast and some sad veggies are really tough to pawn off onto loved ones for dinner. Practically the same thing.

I’d like to think that I am also “eminently practical and yet appropriate as always” (as Todd declares Mrs. Lovett once he understands her “charming notion”). So I repurposed some downtrodden leftovers into adorable pies -

The crust is a sturdy one that I make in the food processor. I’ve posted it before, but here it is again - this simple recipe is a total lifesaver.

For the Mrs. Lovett Pies, I took the chilled/rested dough and lined a prepared (with a little spray) standard sized muffin tin.

The filling was the aforementioned leftovers (plus a couple of pieces of bacon, because bacon is good), warmed through with a little fresh stock that was lightly thickened with a bit of roux, then spooned into the lined tins and topped with more crust.

The whole shebang was lacquered with an egg wash, then baked in the oven at 375 degrees until golden (roughly 45 minutes).

I believe strongly that gleefully warbling songs from Sweeney Todd while forming them helps the end product. Try the priest!

Crust for Mrs. Lovett’s Pies

Good tricks:
• Keep the fat as cold as possible - I cut the butter into small cubes, then throw it in the freezer for a while while prepping other items.
• Don’t overdo it - you’ll just develop gluten in the flour, and you don’t want that.
• Give it a rest - pop that dough back in the icebox for a while, as it makes a huge difference.
• Don’t be scared - if you’re making a sweet shortcrust, add a little powdered sugar; if you’re making savory, throw in some cheese. Toss in a few herbs, cracked pepper - whatever strikes your fancy.

    Basic Shortcrust

    *4oz flour
    *pinch of salt
    *2oz butter, cubed (or lard, if you’re making a savory shortcrust)
    *2-3 tbsp cold water or heavy cream (however much it takes)

    ~ Put the flour, butter and salt in the food processor and pulse until the fat is combined - it should look like breadcrumbs. Kinda sandy - evenly combined. Pulse it, and don’t let it go to far - the heat from the food processor blades can melt the fat if you go crazy.

    ~ With the motor running, gradually add liquid through the funnel until the dough comes together. Only add enough to bind it and then stop. Seriously.

    ~ Wrap the dough in clingfilm as before and chill for 10-15 minutes before using.

Bloody Kids These Days

2011-02-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, my Dreamlets, vampires were sexy.

In the before time, in the long-long ago - before that Mormon broad started writing (poorly) those damn Twilight books. Before the mopey girl with the Elvis eyes and Cedric Diggory stole vampires and sanitized them into chaste, dry humping whiners.

It’s true, little Lumplings. Granny Goth is here to tell you that way back when, vampires were sophisticated and sexy. And vampire appreciators (like myself) we had to cobble together our outfits from thrift stores. Our bat buckle boots had to be special ordered. This was the time before Hot Topic, when Children of the Night had to wait until the week after Halloween to stock up on black nailpolish, lipstick, and fishnets. Back then, our numbers were few.

(For a clear picture of Granny Goth’s feelings on the matter, please click here to watch the Goths VS Vampires episode of South Park.)

In my day, the ideal Goth was vaguely Eurotrash (or at least pretending to be), intense, mysterious (or at least pretending to be), and charming. While the saccharine sweetness of puppy love and boorish spice of teen angst might be appealing to some, it leaves real Goths unsatisfied.

Twee Nouveau Vamps are Strawberry Quick. Old School Sophisto-Goths are Spiced Red Wine & Honey Syrup.

Spiced Red Wine & Honey Syrup

1 bottle dry red wine (nothing too nice or expensive - you’ll be cooking it down - but quaffable)
1 C honey
½ C sugar
1 cinnamon stick
4 cloves
3 cardamom pods, smushed a little
Small hunk of ginger, sliced (how big? You decide. How much do you like ginger? Put in that much.)
Fresh cracked black pepper

~ Bring wine to a boil, add remaining ingredients & stir to combine/dissolve sugar.

~ Lower to simmer and let cook down until the liquid is reduced and thickened.
~ Remove from heat, let cool, strain, and refrigerate.

Great as a blood red sauce drizzled over virginal vanilla gelato.
On a cold day, put a little in the bottom of a mug and top with hot apple cider.

Or, peel and core firm pears, then poach them in the syrup until tender, and serve with real whipped cream. Sexy. Sophisticated. Just like it should be.

Scandalous Jam

2011-02-15T17:48:00.000-08:00

"Codeine...bourbon..."
~ Tallulah Bankhead’s last words

Called "an extremely immoral woman", Tallulah was actually investigated by MI5 for reported "indecent and unnatural practices" with Eton schoolboys.

She liked cocaine. And gin. And men. And women. She smoked 100 cigarettes a day. She swore like a fucking sailor. Her parties lasted for days on end. Her drink was bourbon and water (without the water), and she could down a bottle by herself in 30 minutes.

This delicious Bourbon Bacon Jam is fit for a woman of Ms Bankhead’s caliber. A woman with lust for life. If you choose to consume this, pray do, and do so with abandon. No small nibbles to be polite. No guilt. No apologies.

If you are too uptight - too square to roll with the wild kids, then you might want to look away. You won’t like what you see - this is a sticky, sweet, boozy, piggy perversion.

Bacon/Bourbon Jam, Dahling

1 lb applewood smoked bacon, cut in 1 inch hunks
1 medium yellow onion, sliced
3 cloves garlic, smashed
1 large shallot, grated
½ an apple, grated
4 T apple cider vinegar
¼ C strong brewed coffee or espresso
½ C bourbon (I used Woodford Reserve, because it’s yummy)
3 T light brown sugar
¼ t freshly grated nutmeg
1 t smoked paprika
1 t black pepper
2 t chili flakes
3 T Hot Sauce
2 T honey

Cook the bacon until done - crisp around the edges, but still meaty and moist on the inside. Remove from pan, drain.

Caramelize the onion in the bacon fat and brown sugar - wait until it starts to go golden amber, then add in the shallot, apple, and garlic. Continue to slowly caramelize until dark and sticky.

Return bacon to pan, then add honey, hot sauce, and dry spices; stir to combine and coat

Add liquids to pan, bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Let it simmer and thicken until it has reached a deep golden brown. Transfer to a food processor and pulse until it has a consistency you like (I made it fairly fine and spreadable; you may wish to leave it chunkier. Do what you like best - Tallulah would!)

Spread this on good toasty bread and serve with cocktails. Slather it onto a bun for the best hamburger condiment ever - it’s got everything! People at your next BBQ will hail you as a deity. Or you can add a spoonful to some scrambled eggs for a lazy but delicious breakfast fit for a silver screen diva with a wicked hangover and a stranger in her bed.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

2011-01-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

The sky is the color of an oyster shell, and it’s going to stay that way for months. This is why I bought them - so RED RED RED - to ward off the grey dank for just a moment. But everyone knows that January strawberries are a lie.

They taste of nothing.There is little to do with January strawberries; one must treat them roughly and flavor them harshly if they are to serve any culinary purpose.

From Alice in Wonderland:

“The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away!”

The Red Queen called a trial to determine who should be decapitated for the crime of pastry theft. The Cook was cross examined by the King -

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said, in a low voice, “Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.”
“Well, if I must, I must,” the King said with a melancholy air, and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearly out of sight, he said, in a deep voice, “What are tarts made of?”
“Pepper, mostly,” said the cook.

Here is a quick “jam” (not really a proper jam, but a loose fruity spread that can be used the same way), so that others foolish enough to succumb to January strawberries may find some use for these useless red beasts.

Quick Strawberry Pepper “Jam”
    •    1 pint horrid, awful, beautiful, tasteless winter strawberries
    •    Sugar
    •    Lemon juice & rind
    •    Black pepper

~ Behead the vile berries, then roughly chop them
~ Put strawberries in a large bowl, and add sugar to taste. Who knows how much sugar? Only you. Add as much as it takes to make you less angry about purchasing them
~ Take your hands and scrunch the whole works together, creating a shiny, pulpy, lumpy mess
~ Add copious amounts of fresh cracked black pepper. Lots. No, really. More than that. A ton. Remember that black pepper is a common component in strawberry dishes, and be bold. It’ll help.
~ Taste it. Add some fresh lemon juice & rind. Taste it again and adjust to suit your palate. Refrigerate.

If you need something delicious to serve with this jam, consider taking your cues from Tim Burton’s revisionist take on the Red Queen. Her bulbous, oversized head calls to mind the perfect popover.

This simple (SIMPLE!) popover is like magic - the heat of the oven and the slack batter puff into gorgeous balloons, ready to take on fillings.

Basic Popovers
    •    1 C milk
    •    2 large eggs
    •    1 C flour
    •    Generous pinch of salt
    •    Butter, cut into wee cubes

* You can use a proper popover pan for these, but I got great results in mini muffin tins. This recipe makes the perfect amount to fill 2 mini muffin pans.

~ Place the pan into the oven, then preheat to 450 (Yes, you’re putting an unprepared pan into a cold oven and heating it up. You gotta trust me here.)
~ Cut up the cold butter into cubes - enough to put a teaspoon or two (depending on the size of your pan) into each well; set aside
~ In one bowl, whisk the milk and eggs until they are thoroughly combined
~ Add the flour & salt, whisk until combined. Cover this, and let it chill out in the refrigerator for a minimum of 30 minutes
~ Once the batter has rested, pull the hot pan out of the oven; place a butter cube into each well. Immediately dish batter into the wells (fill to the top for the most dramatic results)
~ Put the pans back into the hot oven - work swiftly, and don’t let the door linger open for long
~ Bake at 450 for about 10 minutes. DO NOT open the door. Seriously.
~ After the first 10 minutes, reduce the heat to 375 and bake until well puffed and deep golden brown. How long? Depends on your pan & your oven. Use your kitchen mojo and keep an eye on them. Turn them once during cooking if you must, but keep the door closed and the heat inside.
~ When you see they are ready, pull them from the oven and pierce them gently w/a sharp knife (this lets the steam out, ensuring a crisp outside and tender, puffed center; skip this and they can deflate and become soggy).
~ Eat them right away. They don’t keep well, so feel free to be greedy. Good with jam made from disappointing strawberries.

In a pickle

2011-01-28T16:34:00.000-08:00

At an abandoned medical college in Lithuania, during the cruel winter of 1812, some of Napoleon’s starving soldiers dined on preserved human organs.

The French had lingered in Moscow until November of that year - a critical error. Half a million troops quickly dwindled to less than 40,000 along the frigid 900 kilometer return route. Those who remained were crazed with malnutrition and exhaustion and disease.

By the time they lurched into Vilnius, the alcohol-soaked human offal bobbing in jars must have looked like a banquet. A trick of the protein-deprived mind.

So shut up already about how bad the weather is, because I’m pretty sure you’re not ghoulishly gnawing on people parts while you browse your Netflix queue. (Pretty sure.)

In the cold dark months where soft comfort foods rule the day, it’s good to have something piquant and crunchy to reawaken the winter weary palate. Quick pickles are a fast and easy way to accomplish this.

Spicy Bok Choy Quick Pickles

3 or 4 small bok choy (I used a curly variety, but any will do)
Salt
Chili flakes or fresh chilis diced fine
Rice wine vinegar

(I'm unsure of the correct name for this variety of bok choy, so I took some pics of it whole - if you see it, try it! It's delicious, and the heavier leaves stand up nicely to the salt/vinegar/chilis).

~ Wash bok choy and cut into quarters
~ Place a single layer of bok choy into a specimen jar procured from an historic Eastern European medical college, cover it with a fairly generous amount of salt and chili to taste; repeat until you run out of bok choy
~ Put just a tablespoon or so of rice wine vinegar over the top; seal the lid on the jar and shake a bit to ensure everything is well combined
~ Refrigerate

A much nicer jar to snack from, don't you think?

Hardcore Spirits

2011-01-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

I really, really hope this isn't a joke, because it's awesome.

The venerable Ron Jeremy now has a limited edition dark rum bearing his name.

Ron de Jeremy Rum

How much fun would it be to write copy for the ads?

For when you need a stiff drink.

It's not hard to swallow.

Hard liquor.

It's a money shot.

Obviously, the best way to enjoy this adult beverage is...wait for it....wait for it.....

RUM BALLS!

Sweet Ron Jeremy Balls

1 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 cup dark rum
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
2 1/2 cups finely crushed vanilla wafers
1 cup finely chopped, toasted walnuts

~Sift together 1 cup of the confectioners' sugar, the cocoa powder and allspice
~ Stir in the Ron de Jeremy rum and the corn syrup
~ Stir in the vanilla wafers and walnuts, and mix well
~ Place in the refrigerator so it can get hard (oh yeah...), about 30 minutes. The mixture may appear crumbly and dry but this is OK

~ Place the remaining 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar in a shallow bowl or dish; using a tablespoon, scoop out portions of the chocolate mixture and press into 1-inch balls (heh). Using your hands, roll the balls (HEH!) in the confectioners' sugar, coating evenly. Be careful not to crush the balls. (I'm dying here!)

~ Place on a baking sheet, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks, placing waxed paper between the layers to prevent sticking.

It's funny because it's true!

2011-01-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

The new IFC show, Portlandia, is genius.

This is exactly what it's like to live in the Pacific Northwest. It almost feels like a documentary. This bit, in particular, made me an instant fan:

Charlie Bucket Soup

2011-01-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Is there anything better than a filthy little English street urchin? Like the kind the Child Catcher locked up in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or the wee pickpockets in Oliver!. The gin-soaked boy in Sweeney Todd. Any kid from a Dickens novel. There’s something wonderful about the peril of fictional children (see also: Edward Gorey).

Roald Dahl’s Charlie Bucket might be the most destitute of all the great urchins of fiction. He’s got the whole package, from the tatty sweaters to the ramshackle house brimming with geriatrics. At one especially low point, Charlie’s Mum waters down the already painfully thin cabbage soup ration.

Cabbage soup just sounds like food a Cockney-accented fictional waif would be forced to eat. The kind of thing that would make one yearn for an upgrade to gruel. The only item in the larder more laughable would be stale bread.

So BEAR WITH ME HERE, PEOPLE! Seriously. You’re not going to like the sound of this, but just try to be open minded when I tell you that I just fixed a dish using stale bread and cabbage. And it was fucking delicious.

WAIT! Don’t go. Would it help if I told you the recipe comes from Jamie Oliver? He’s like, one tweed cap away from urchin status himself. So there’s a whole layer of credibility right there. And I would never lead a soul astray in matters of food.

The recipe calls for savoy cabbage, but I used a standard, cheap-ass white cabbage with great results (if you do this, just make certain you trim the big obnoxious pieces of the core and stem). And the stock really should be your own - it makes a huge difference.

Don’t give me the whole “oh I don’t have time/don’t know how/blah blah blah” bullshit. Keep your veg trimmings and peels in a bag in the crisper; when you make a meal with bony carcass-y bits, throw the contents of the bag and the corpse into a pot and cover it with water. That’s it. The longer you leave it alone, the better it will be. So shut up already and make your own damn stock.

Here's the link to Jamie Oliver’s Bread & Cabbage Soup (we refer to this as “Charlie Bucket Soup”)

Or, simply watch this clip from Jamie at Home - he walks you through the simple steps in his adorable accent.

There's an app for that

2011-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

I don't have a fancy iPhone. If you do, you should immediately get this app:

Oysterpedia

The folks from the folks at NYC's The Mermaid Inn developed this handy, high tech way to identify, rate, and compare delicious oysters.

This is a large improvement over my system, which is based on the "only order oysters in a month with the letter R" but quickly devolves into "I see them and I have enough money to order them and YOU CAN'T STOP ME BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!".

If you have a fancy iPhone, you should go check it out. Then take me out for oysters.

Cookies inspired by Antoni Gaudi

2011-01-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

It is impossible to use mace and not think of Antoni Gaudi.

Mace is the outer covering of the nutmeg -

It’s dried and often powdered, but I love the way they look whole -

Just like Gaudi's Batllo house in Barcelona -

Flavor-wise, it’s just sort of a variant of the nutmeg, so you can throw it in wherever you’d typically use warm spices. Here’s a quick little cookie that is great with tea or coffee on cold winter days.

Spicy Cookies

1 ½ C vegetable shortening
1 C sugar
¼ C molasses
2 C flour
1 t baking powder
¼ t salt
2 t ground cinnamon
1 t ground mace
1 t ground nutmeg
½ t ground dried ginger
1 t freshly ground ginger
½ t freshly ground pepper

~ Cream the shortening/sugar/egg until thoroughly combined
~ Add molasses & mix
~ Add dry in batches, mixing until just combined (don’t overwork, or your cookies will be tough)
~ Spoon onto Silpat or prepared cookie sheet (Or you can roll them into balls if you like. Heh. Balls.), but make sure you don’t overcrowd - these spread quite a bit
~ Bake in a pre-heated 350 degree oven for about 15 minutes (when the edges just start to go brown)

Cheeky Cafe

2011-01-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

He silently took off his wedding ring and threw it at me.

I had just confessed that I really don’t like meatloaf. This, apparently, is a deal breaker.

I’ve tried, mind you. It was one of the first things that Mum taught me how to make. Curiously, I remember really enjoying the cooking part, but I have absolutely no recollection of how it tasted. Pop occasionally made it, and because I love my Pop so much I will not describe it here as a ketchupy meat brick. Last week, I tried to make one, and it was a grotesque, structurally unsound lump. I just don’t like meatloaf.

The Man of the House finds this unthinkable. Unspeakable. Inhuman. He loves meatloaf. It made a regular appearance on his family’s table, and he models his on his Mother’s version: a pretty standard ground beef/breadcrumb/onion/ketchup combination in a free form mound (rather than in a loaf pan).

The chief problem seems to be the inherent ketchupy-ness of it all. I hate ketchup. Catsup. Whatever. It’s fine on french fries if mayo is unavailable, but nothing else. I am mistrustful of adults who take ketchup on their burgers, and I feel strongly that children who slather ketchup on everything should be packed off to Dickensian orphanages until they can develop a mature palate. Though to be fair, I feel strongly that most children should be packed off to Dickensian orphanages regardless of their stance on ketchup.

ANYWAY.
In an effort to try and repair the damage to my marriage, I suggested we try a new spot that opened just up the street, called the Cheeky Cafe.

Cheeky Cafe specializes in comfort food - everything is made from scratch. They have brunch, lunch, and dinner available (including a nice selection of small plates at night), and the back of the menu shares the story of how it came to be: a family wanted to preserve recipes and memories of happy times at the table. The comfort foods served range from Korean to Japanese to Southern fried (sometimes a blend of several at once), that reflect their heritage and our community. And it’s gooooood.

I had the Chicken Fried Steak, which was delicious - perfect crisp breading. I’d order extra gravy next time (‘coz that’s how my fat ass rolls), and probably skip the biscuit (which was oddly sweet and certainly leaden). We shared the fry bread - because fried dough is always a winner. It was delicious with the strawberry jam, and we look forward to ordering the chili/cheese version sometime soon.

The Man of the House had the meatloaf, naturally. It was bacon-wrapped, and decidedly NON-ketchupy. Spicy, in fact. I could tolerate it, which is an Herculean feat for any meatloaf.

As a result, my better half has decided that he will stick with me (though I suspect he will always view me with a vague suspicion from now on).

Cheeky Cafe
1700 South Jackson Street Seattle, WA 98144-2155
206.322.9895
Open Tue-Fri 11am-9pm; Weekends 10am-9pm

I'm staving off osteoperosis...

2011-01-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

It sounds awful, just awful.
But it’s not.

I always put myself in Gamergrrl’s capable hands when it comes to cocktails, but I’ll admit that there was some trepidation when I saw her grab both milk AND scotch.

At first I thought maybe she was too far in the bag to know what she was making…but no, she was speaking clearly (and cleverly, as usual) and was still able to kick everyone’s ass at Kinect. Heaven knows you can’t do that shit loaded. Furniture will get broken.

I must have made a face, because she immediately let me know she was drinking it, too. “It’s supposed to have freshly grated nutmeg but…meh…the holidays are over.” She shook the drink, while I worried a little.

The Difford’s Guide refers to this drink as “Aggravation”, and suggests that “bedtime milk has never been so sexy”. Gamergrrl refers to it as “The Runaway”, because she had only the week before witnessed that even the most discreet persons can find themselves pantsless and incoherent under it’s influence.

It’s like a boozy Yoo-Hoo. Or maybe an alcoholic version of a bottled Frappuccino. It’s nummy and sleepy and soothing and it should not be left on end tables where dogs and toddlers can get to it.

1 ½ shot(s) J&B Rare Scotch whisky (but any whisky will do)
1 shot(s) Kahlua coffee liqueur
1 shot(s) Single cream
1 shot(s) Milk

Glass: Rocks
Garnish: Sprinkle ground nutmeg
Method: Shake with ice and strain into ice-filled glass

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

2011-01-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

There are times in a woman's life when she needs chocolate mousse - STAT.

The Man of the House whipped up a very simple and very delicious mousse for me. In the middle of the night. For no other reason than because I wanted some.

I'll let that sink in.

No argument. No positioning for a big "ask". He just made it because I wanted some. If you're wondering, YES, I appreciate him every single day, and NO, you cannot have or even borrow him. MINE.

Late Night Chocolate Mousse

13 ounces of good chocolate (bitter is better!)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
2 tablespoons powdered sugar (adjust this depending on your chocolate and your palate)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Optional: a little instant coffee or espresso (dissolved in just a touch of water or cream)
~ In a microwave safe bowl, melt the chocolate (careful! don't scorch it!)
~ Pour the cream into a chilled bowl of a mixer and beat on medium speed until it starts to thicken
~ Add the sugar and vanilla and whisk until the cream starts to form stiff peaks.
~ Take a little of the cream mixture and fold it into the chocolate to lighten it; then fold the lightened chocolate into the whipped cream.

Voila, mousse!

Lunch Lady

2011-01-12T21:02:00.000-08:00

This is a “Ladies’ Seafood Thermidore", from the Crowd-Size Entertaining section of the 1971 Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library.

Ingredients:
2 cans (4 oz each) sliced mushrooms
2 T butter or margarine
4 cans (about 10 oz each) condensed cream of shrimp soup
2 cans (7 ½ oz each) crab-meat, drained and picked over
4 cans (4 ½ oz each) shrimp, drained
2 cans (5 oz each) lobster, drained and broken apart
1 C milk
½ t dry mustard
½ t paprika
1/8 t cayenne
¼ C sherry

In a dutch oven, cook & stir the mushrooms (with liquid) in butter until heated through. Stir in remaining ingredients except sherry . Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Stir in sherry. 12 servings.

The Wife liked any recipe that could be made with a bare minimum of effort. Plus, the hummmmm hummmmm of the boxy electric can opener was soothing. She opened can after can after can - fourteen in all - and was almost sad when she finished. Hummmm.

Everything went into the pot. She lit a Belair, waited for the contents to boil, and poured far more than ¼ cup of sherry. The final dish contained none of it.

The Best & Worst Dragon Cakes of the Week

2011-01-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

The best, from the always amazing Mike's Amazing Cakes over in Redmond - - -

Amazing is right - from the role playing dice in his claw to the expression on his face. That place consistently turns out the most beautiful work.

And now, the worst, naturally via Cakewrecks - - -

It's chili outside!

2011-01-10T13:47:00.000-08:00

My fabulous (FABULOUS!) new pal, Fierce Jay, lives in Chicago. Which is pretty much exactly like the ice planet Hoth, so he knows about what to eat in frigid temperatures.

Chili is one of the great cold weather foods. One can argue all day long about proper ingredients - beans or no beans, chopped or ground beef, etc. - but I believe the only requirements are that it should be spicy, contain meat (suck it, vegetarians!), and taste great.

Fierce Jay has been kind enough to share his chili recipe with us, reproduced in his own words here, for your dining pleasure. It looks exciting - I've never used garbanzos in chili before!

"So this is the very first time ever that I've shared this recipe with anyone - it's been jealously guarded as to ensure amateurs don't screw it up. Also - one of the key ingredients is this amazing habanero powder I score from a place in Chicago called The Spice House. They actually have to wear a respirator when they jar it because it's so insane.

Ingredients
2 lbs ground beef - I use a more fatty cut because the flavor is better. 70/30 chuck or sirloin is best
1 large sweet onion, halved and sliced thick
1 large red onion, halved and sliced thick
6 cloves garlic, minced
3 habanero chiles, julienned into thin strips
5 serrano chiles, sliced into disks with seeds
4 jalapenos, diced
1 large dried ancho chile, split up one side
1 can chipotle peppers with adobo, chopped
1 can organic black beans
1 can organic dark red kidney beans
1 can organic garbanzo beans
2 cans pinto beans
6 Tbs hot chili powder
3 Tbs freshly cracked black pepper - I use whole Bailnese peppercorns and crush them myself
2 Tbs smoked spanish paprika
2 Tbs cayenne pepper
1 Tbs tomato paste
1 Tbs habanero powder
1/2 tsp Saigon cinnamon
1 tsp dried oregano
2 tsp celery salt
2 46oz cans organic tomato juice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 bottle beer - I've used all kinds
2 Tbs olive oil

1. In a cast iron dutch oven or big stock pot, heat the olive oil on medium-low heat. Add onions and caramelize until dark brown, around 45 minutes. Season with salt. Add garlic and cook for 3-5 minutes until fragrant. Add habenero, serrano, jalapeno, and chipotle. Cook for 10 minutes on medium-low heat.

2. Move veggies to the edges of the pot, and cook tomato paste for a few minutes. Push over with veggies. Add beef directly to bottom and brown slowly over medium-low heat. Once beef is nice and caramelized, mix with veggies. Add half the chili powder, oregano, celery salt, black pepper, half habanero power, half cayenne powder, paprika, and cinnamon. Turn contents of pot in spices until evenly coated. I don't normally drain the fat at this point, but instead wait until later to skim as needed. Your choice.

3. Rinse beans in cold water (a huge-ass colander works) and add. Smush a few tablespoons of the beans once they're in the pot, as the starches will help thicken the chili. Cook for 10 minutes, stirring so the beans don't burn. Once heated through, add beer and reduce to half.

4. Add tomato juice and tomatoes. Heat to boiling over medium-low heat, then reduce heat and add dried ancho chile, the remainder of the spices, and salt to taste. Simmer uncovered as long as you damn well please - I let this go for 2 or 3 hours sometimes, with just the slightest hint of bubbles reach the surface. Don't boil it - the beans will get too soft. This is where your tastebuds come in. Taste and season with salt and pepper as needed. I'll often toss more habanero or cayenne in, because I like it so hot it hurts. After an hour or two it will have reduced - the amount of reduction is up to how thick or saucy you like your chili. Anything goes.

This is fantastic with smoked gouda or aged white cheddar, if you're a cheese-on-your-chili type. Have fun and pace yourself! The day after eating this chili can be...touch and go. Good news is it's 10x better once it chills down in the fridge and you reheat it."

Fierce Jay says the best accessories for this dish are crackers (dipped right in!) or cornbread. While you're eating, you can peruse his gorgeous hand crafted baubles at Lad Named Felix.

Because no matter how much you eat, earrings will always fit.

Jedi Junk Food

2011-01-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

"How you get so big, eating food of this kind?" ~ Yoda, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

I'm pretty sure that's a Chick-O-Stick that Yoda stole out of Luke's kit when he first landed on Dagobah.

I'm just saying.

Like tears in rain.

2011-01-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

I can still recite Roy Batty’s soliloquy from the end of Blade Runner (aside: THIS is further proof that Patton Oswalt is my soulmate).

The black, wet, urban streets choked with a neo-noir cast of goths, steampunks, cyberpunks, and Asian noodle vendors left a deep imprint when I first saw it in the theatre as a 12-year old. I yearned to reside in this near dark future (and sort of, I do, ‘coz that’s also a pretty accurate description of Seattle). My Pop is a huge sci-fi reader, so when we got home, I nicked his copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? It was love at first sight. Later, William Gibson would scratch the same itch.

If I were a femme fatale replicant with a retro hairdo and fake spider baby memories (and I’m not saying I’m not), I feel certain that The Ginza would be my usual at the local bar. It’s an Asian-style version of a traditional Manhattan cocktail, replacing sweet vermouth with sake and adding a kiss of ginger syrup.

The Ginza
3 parts Bourbon
2 parts dry sake
1 part ginger simple syrup*
2 dashes orange bitters

Add all to an ice filled cocktail shaker. Shake together and strain into a chilled Martini glass.
*Recipe below

Ginger Simple Syrup
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1- 2" piece of ginger grated with a Microplane

Add water and sugar into a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, stirring until all sugar dissolves, then remove from heat. Add ginger and let steep for 5 min. Strain into a clean bottle, allow to cool then store in refrigerator

Men's Favorites

2011-01-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

One of the categories in my groovy new 1971 Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library is “Men’s Favorites”.

Unless there’s a recipe for Blow Job Cake, I shall remain skeptical.

The title card tells us much about Men. Men go to Work - see the cheap hard-shell briefcase? Gaze upon the wood-like desk. This means that the Man has an Important Job in Business. He is a Businessman.

Is that coffee in the flimsy plastic cup on the right? Let’s assume that it is - our Businessman has a Secretary, and secretaries make the coffee. Ever had a scalding hot cuppa joe in a cup the approximate thickness of a disposable contact lens? I hope that the Businessman has a good benefits package. Those scalds are gonna leave a mark.

The Businessman must also have a Wife. The Ol’ Ball & Chain. The Little Woman. The Wife packed his lunch. “I’ll just eat at my desk today, Honey. I have Important Business to take care of.”

The Wife spends her days whacked out on Benzedrine and Chivas, reading Erma Bombeck and seething. She packed the orange thermos with the orange soup and cut the orange carrots. When she cut her thumb while slicing the roll for his sandwich, she was silently glad she could still feel anything at all.

The Way Back Machine.

2011-01-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Holy crap - The Man of the House just presented me with a vintage 1971 Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library. Complete with box, index, and all of the cards. The recipes range from terrifying to confusing.

Scans, tests, and reviews will follow. This is going to take some time to wrap my head around.

Until I can get to sorting and scanning, may I suggest the Gallery of Regrettable Food by James Lileks? I have the book, and absolutely recommend you take a spin through the online version, HERE. You won't be sorry.

Four and twenty blackbirds...FALLING FROM THE SKY!

2011-01-03T17:54:00.000-08:00

A murder of crows dropped dead and plummeted from the sky on New Year’s Eve.

Thousands and thousands of red-winged blackbirds fell onto a roughly 1 ½ square mile area of Beebe, Arkansas late on December 31st. Dammit. I miss all the fun.

A new year's pelting by dead ravens plays right into my Edward Gorey-as-directed-by-Tim-Burton fantasies. I’d be out in the yard, all stripey tights and hollow eyes, guarding against the downpour with a Victorian parasol. One can almost hear the calliope-addled Danny Elfman soundtrack.

This story makes me wonder about rural Arkansas house parties (which, in itself, is a rare and wondrous thing). I imagine an intrepid local reporter getting a witness interview:

“Phaedra and Lerlene were out back, with the keg, even though we’d already run outta red cups. Said they didn’t need ‘em for keg stands, and damned if they didn’t. They was already loaded, so nobody much paid attention when we heard the screamin’ and the thuds. Just thought it was them two fightin’. Come to find out we had to clean up a lot more than Lee Press Ons and puke - them birds was every damn where. There was so many in the back of the El Camino that we had to git up in there with a push broom. The officials showed up in spaceman suits, collectin’ the carcasses for tests.”

But I digress.

“Four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie…”. There was a time when royals would be treated to spectacular culinary displays during feasts, and live birds flying our of cooked pastry is not a myth - the 1671 book The Accomplisht Cook by Robert May included a recipe and instructions:

Though not known for historical accuracy, Showtime’s sexy soap opera The Tudors even featured an avian surprise in the first season. Dinner AND a show!

While I certainly don’t suggest including live animals, a good shortcrust recipe is handy as hell.

I always make mine in the food processor (easy! Plus it’s easier to keep the butter cold). The basic idea is to take twice as much flour as cold (COLD!) fat and work it together with a touch of cold water (or cream, etc.) until it just comes together.

Good tricks:
• Keep the fat as cold as possible - I cut the butter into small cubes, then throw it in the freezer for a while while prepping other items.
• Don’t overdo it - you’ll just develop gluten in the flour, and you don’t want that.
• Give it a rest - pop that dough back in the icebox for a while, as it makes a huge difference.
• Don’t be scared - if you’re making a sweet shortcrust, add a little powdered sugar; if you’re making savory, throw in some cheese. Toss in a few herbs, cracked pepper - whatever strikes your fancy.

Basic Shortcrust

*4oz flour
*pinch of salt
*2oz butter, cubed (or lard, if you’re making a savory shortcrust)
*2-3 tbsp cold water or heavy cream

~ Put the flour, butter and salt in the food processor and pulse until the fat is combined - it should look like breadcrumbs. Kinda sandy - evenly combined. Pulse it, and don’t let it go to far - the heat from the food processor blades can melt the fat if you go crazy.

~ With the motor running, gradually add liquid through the funnel until the dough comes together. Only add enough to bind it and then stop. Seriously.

~ Wrap the dough in clingfilm as before and chill for 10-15 minutes before using.

My Favorite Sin

2011-01-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

“…if you please and pamper your stomach, you will hurl yourself over the precipice of bodily impurity, into the fire of wrath and fury, you will coarsen and darken your mind, and in this way you will ruin your powers of attention and self-control, your sobriety and vigilance.”
~ Ignatius Brianchaninov, 19th Century Russian Bishop

This neatly sums up my gluttonous self indulgence over the holiday season.

For the first time in my adult life, I had nothing but time on my hands during the 4th quarter. So I decided to bake. A lot.

Sticky buns with pecans. Spicy ginger cake. Apple tart. Chocolate mousse. The BEST chocolate cake, ever. Dozens and dozens of chocolate chip cookies. Blondies. Chocolate pecan bars. Shortbread. Syllabub.

If I don’t slow down, shit's going to go from adorably Rubenesque to Discovery Health Channel fat. Like, the kind where leaving the house involves partial demolition and a crane.

California artist Nouar could have used me as the life model for her “Happy Fatty”:

(I've been obsessed with her paintings lately - her work is all food-centric, and it has a sinister pop surrealism that I adore. Click HERE for a gallery of her images.)

Now, I shall resume normal eating habits and the extra padding will slowly dissolve. Then I can go back to being a sweet little tomato:

Recipes for the most successful of the goodies will be forthcoming. So, you know, good luck with that resolution.

This goes to eleven.

2011-01-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

New Year’s Eve. We spent the night at home drinking French 75s, as is our tradition, though we dressed for the occasion. The Man of the House sported a fez, the black paisley jacket he wore at our Vegas wedding, a t-shirt, and pajama bottoms. My ensemble featured a black and gold 1920’s lace dress, flower-adorned ‘20’s chapeau, thermal leggings and slippers.

New Year’s Day. There’s hoppin’ john on the stove, as well as, inexplicably, apple butter. My breakfast was coffee (spiked with Bailey’s & Frangelico - GOOD MORNING!) and 3 large spoonfuls of leftover chocolate mousse. Because no one’s the boss of me.

Finding it difficult to fight the overwhelming urge to make clumsy Spinal Tap jokes about the new year. Must be the booze.

These Go To 11! - Click here for this week’s top video clips

Hoppin’ John
~ 2 links of andouille sausage, chopped (we used Bourbon Street Bistro made by Mondo Meats, just up the road from our house)
~ ¾ C long grain rice
~ ½ onion, chopped
~ 1 rib celery, chopped
~1 clove garlic, chopped
~ 1 carrot, chopped
~ 2 slices good bacon, chopped
~ 1 C dried black eyed peas, soaked
~ Salt, pepper, cayenne, thyme, oregano, smoked paprika
~ 4 ½ C stock (chicken, veggie if you must): 2 ½ C (for cooking the black eyed peas), 1 ½ C for cooking the rice, ½ C for mirepoix

~ Cook the black eyed peas in 2 ½ C of stock - start this first, as it takes the longest
~ Sautee andouille until brown; remove from pan but leave the fat
~ Sautee rice in the fat from the andouille until toasty
~ Put sauteed rice & cooked andouille into your cooking vessel (dutch oven or rice cooker)
~ Use the same skillet, and throw in the bacon, onion, celery, carrot, & garlic - plus any peppers you like (we didn’t have any on hand); sautee with herbs/seasonings over medium until softened and fully cooked, just starting to take on an amber color
~ Add this mixture to rice & co. in the pot, then cook until rice is done
~ Before serving, drain black eyed peas and combine

Gone to the dogs

2010-04-03T11:39:00.001-07:00

Yep, dog treats.

They're not much trouble, and your canine pals will think you're the tops if you whip up some of these babies.

They're healthy, too - since these have no wheat, corn, or soy, dogs can digest them more easily, minimizing any gastric unpleasantness. Also they have no added sugar or salt (other than what's in the bacon), which dogs don't really need.

You can find barley flour at many grocery or natural food stores (Bob's Red Mill is one common brand). Adam's is a readily available no sugar/no salt peanut butter; better yet, just grind up some unsalted peanuts in a food processor.

Peanut Butter Bacon Dog Treats

2-1/2 cups barley flour
1/2 cup natural no salt peanut butter
1 slice leftover cooked bacon - chopped fine
1 cup warm water

Preheat oven to 350°

~ Mix the warm water and peanut butter together - this helps the the peanut butter incorporate into the dough easier.

~ Mix everything together until a stiff dough forms
~ Roll out to 1/4" thick and cut out with whatever small cookie cutter you like, or just use a knife to cut little squares or diamonds
~ Go ahead and reform all the scraps and roll them out again. If the dough drys out too much, just wet your hands and work the dough a bit. That should do the trick.
~ Lay the cutouts out on a cookie sheet and bake for 20 min.
~ Turn off oven, but leave them inside to cool for a couple of hours - you want to rid them of excess moisture so you can store them.

Makes at least several dozen depending on the size.

Just say no.

2010-02-21T17:45:00.001-08:00

Lately, The Man o'the House has been making simple oven fries. Just potatoes, sliced fairly thin, then tossed in oil & salt.

Cheap ingredients, you can make it in your own kitchen, and ONCE YOU START YOU CANNOT STOP. These fries are the crystal meth of snack foods. And you don't even need to go all Breaking Bad and enlist high school burnouts to unload the stuff: I promise you'll want it all for personal use.

Almost embarrassingly easy, and so very tasty. Frites they are not, but they're SO much less of a hassle to make - plus it's almost possible to convince yourself they're not as bad for you. These turn out a nice crispy golden brown with some really dark crispy edges and a few pillowy soft parts as well. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting a little twitchy. I think I need to cook up some of my new addiction.

Oven Fries

5 medium sized Russet potatoes
¼ cup canola oil
salt to taste

Preheat oven to 375º

Peel the potatoes and rinse. Slice each potato in half lengthwise and then place cut half side down on cutting board. Then make thin lengthwise slices (about ¼ inch thick) on all the potatoes. Toss with oil and place in a single layer on a baking sheet.

Place in oven and forget about them for about 45 min. Not messing around with them is the secret to success with these. You'll think that they're sticking and you'll try and loosen them up – but all you'll accomplish is breaking them into a million pieces. So just leave them alone! After 45 min. - flip them over and maybe rotate the pan. After another 15 min or so, check on them to see if they're done to your liking. When they are – pull them out and drain on a paper towel. Season to taste.

Make it fancy!
~ Drizzle with truffle oil after cooking
~ Sprinkle with a cajun or BBQ seasoning
~ Microplane some fresh garlic over them

Rosemary Mustard

2010-02-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Mustard is so easy to make that once you try it, you'll have trouble paying for it ever again. Here is a basic mustard with the addition of some fresh rosemary. You can vary the recipe to suit your own taste by changing the vinegar, liquid, seasonings to whatever kinds you prefer. You can use all kinds of different liquids to flavor the mustard: beer, white wine, juice, or water. I usually just use water if I'm adding in herbs to the mustard. If you're using a strong flavored liquid (like wine or juice), you might want to cut it with some water so as not to overpower the mustard. Try using different herbs, here it's rosemary - but sage is great, so is tarragon, and thyme too. I usually buy my mustard seeds from an Indian market where I can get them for crazy cheap. But if you don't have one of those around, you can find them at a lot of natural food markets, online, or any spice market. You can get all snazzy and use a blend of yellow and brown mustard seeds, really the variations are endless.
This Rosemary Mustard goes great with sausages and is absolutely fantastic on a chicken sandwich.

Basic Mustard
¼ cup yellow mustard seeds
¼ cup vinegar (I used rice vinegar)
¾ cup liquid (I used water)
1 tbsp sugar
2 tsp salt

1 tbsp fresh rosemary

Soak the mustard seeds in the vinegar preferably overnight, but at least for an hour. Pour all into a blender with all the other ingredients and blend until it reaches the consistency that you like. It takes a little while – maybe 5 minutes, but that's it. You've made mustard!

Pizza Night!

2009-10-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Saturday is a natural night for pizza, apparently. In Nashville, my dear friend/relative BookCuz was hunkering down to homemade 'za just as we were preparing for the same here in Seattle - some connections run so deep that you end up sharing experiences from thousands of miles away. I promised her a pictorial review of our dinner, so here goes!

Pizza night begins with a poolish - a long fermented yeast starter, that eventually becomes dough for very fine pizza crust.

It's alive!

The Man of the House used a new recipe, and this one was decidedly more wet and tricky than the ones he's used in the past -

Mise en place ("everything in it's place") for the pies -

We also used this absolutely PERFECT wee tomato - the only one our garden produced:

We made 4 pizzas - first, a classic Margherita, with fresh mozzarella, the aforementioned tomato, fresh basil, and homemade tomato sauce - before:

After:

My favorite is the unlikely-sounding, but utterly scrumptious potato, blue cheese, caramelized onion, bacon, and rosemary - before:

After:

This one was baked with the homemade sauce and fresh mozzarella, and when it came out, we topped it with paper thin slices of prosciutto and some fresh arugula:

Finally, we had a great bacon and egg pizza - the eggs are cooked soft, so you can take the crust and dip it into the yolk-y goodness:

At some point BookCuz and I will be in the same city (we're hoping for the holidays), and we'll finally get a chance to break bread again. When we do, I'm hopeful that she'll eschew her usually healthy and reasonable eating habits so I can make something really good!

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Honeymoon in Vegas, Part 2

2009-09-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Serendipity was one of my beloved grandmother's favorite words. And it is the perfect way to describe the meal we had on our wedding night.

First, I think it's important to set the tone of the day. We were married at the walk-up window of a chapel across the street from the courthouse, with a bail bonds agent located conveniently next door (one stop shopping!). I wore a dress and hat made just for me by the genius designer/burlesque dancer, Jamie Von Stratton, and the groom wore vintage paisley:

Clearly, a classic steak dinner would be in order. We chose Tom Colicchio's CraftSteak, in the MGM Grand. We're fans of Top Chef (previous post here), and even though last year broke my heart, we spontaneously decided to give it a try.

The place is gorgeous - modern, but masculine and clubby, with loads of leather and soft lighting. The service is impeccable; attentive without being intimidating, and warm without being too chummy. We chose the tasting menu (which was a STEAL! no kidding!), and it was incredible.

There was grilled quail, Buffalo mozzarella, fennel salad, Persian cucumber salad, 2 kinds of delicious steak (skirt and flat iron), scallops, mushrooms, corn, and potato puree. The final two items deserve special attention.

Corn is an everyday side for a gal from Indiana. A good solid side. But not one that is expected to get a wow, especially in a fine dining establishment.

WOW! No kidding, this dish of corn was fucking amazing. Crisp and fresh, seared just a touch so that pieces started to caramelize and darken, with lethal amounts of good butter. And it was seasoned to absolute perfection. I know now what Judge Colicchio means when he complains (or compliments) about the correct seasoning of a dish on Top Chef. Suddenly, it was all clear. Wow. Wow.Wow.

And the potatoes were obscenely good. My Pop is the master of the spud, and all mashed potatoes I eat are compared to his. CraftSteak's are the only ones that I think stand up to dear old Dad's, and I'm pretty sure it's because there are just enough potatoes in there to act as a gentle binder to the massive whallop of butter and cream.

Dessert was lovely, and there was a special message in chocolate sauce:

Sadly, I do not have many pictures of the rest of the meal, as I was distracted by eating and enjoying my handsome dining companion -

But I don't need pictures. I can remember every detail of this evening with perfect clarity. When we talk about our honeymoon in Vegas, and the many fine meals we had, this one is most frequently cited. We hadn't planned ahead of time to go there, and we certainly never anticipated that a dinner of meat, potatoes, and corn that would mark us both the most deeply. It was just sweet serendipity.

Honeymoon in Vegas, Part 1

2009-09-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Rat Pack era of Vegas in the '60's gave way to the fat-tourist-at-the-buffet '70's. The '90's brought the most ridiculous idea ever - Vegas as a sort of Disney-esque family destination, which was obviously doomed from the start.

Happily, the new trend for tourism is fine dining. Really fine dining.

The Man of the House and I recently got hitched in Las Vegas, and we spent the honeymoon eating our way through the city. Our first stop was a holy place that we both fantasized about for years: Nobu.

Frankly, I never expected that I would have a chance to eat from a menu designed by the venerable Chef Nobu Matsuhisa, and created by his team of gifted artists. It was a particularly religious experience for The Man of the House, whose soul is Japanese. We'd both spent many years reading about his restaurants and innovative style, and so I had built up the idea of this meal in my head like an adolescent virgin imagines losing it to a sparkly Robert Pattinson beneath a canopy of rainbows held aloft by unicorns. Which is why I had a total mental freak out on our way over.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the notion that I had put the place on such a pedestal that heartbreak would be unavoidable. A good meal - hell, even a great one - would somehow be disappointing. Too much thought had gone into it, and I had developed unrealistic expectations.

Except I hadn't.

Nobu is located in the Hard Rock, which is extremely cool. We started off with lychee martinis in the bar, a tiny but gorgeous space with lighting low enough to make me think I might look fabulous.

(you're going to need to forgive the crappy quality of all of these pictures, but I wasn't about to use a flash and ruin the mood)

The dining room is a study in Zen sophistication (courtesy David Rockwell), with a hand-set wall of perfect river stones. Even the ceiling is beautiful:

We ordered several small plates to share, starting with the yellowtail sashimi with jalapeno:

It was transcendent. This is a dish with like, 4 ingredients. But each one is perfectly balanced, perfectly presented, in perfect harmony. One thin slice of fish, one thin slice of jalapeno, one small leaf of cilantro, and a touch of soy sauce. But the mouthful is so much better than the simple sum of those elements - something had happened to them, and they were incredible. My fears were erased, and the rest of the meal was so good it felt like a drug.

Next, we had the "New Style" scallop sashimi - meaning that the traditional raw slices are doused in hot oil flavored with sesame, yuzu, and soy. This is the mouthful that made my brain explode a little:

The heated oil mixture had a magical effect on the texture of the thin slices of scallop. Sadly, I have no words to express how good it is - just try to envision how it would feel to be passionately kissed by Cary Grant (for those of you who prefer the ladies, go ahead and replace Cary Grant with Angelina Jolie).

After that little bit of heaven, we moved on to the black cod with miso. This classic dish is umami-licious, and lives up to the reputation that precedes it. Cod cooked to idyllic perfection, and laced with just enough miso to heighten the fish rather than mask it.

Our final dish was a lobster shiitake salad with a spicy lemon dressing. Precisely enough citrus and heat to keep your palate interested, and studded with medallions of succulent lobster. The shiitakes had been seared so that their full mushroomy goodness acted as a meaty contrast to the lightness of the other ingredients.

Throughout the meal, every individual component handled with great care and respect, so that the whole is made exponentially greater. A perfect dinner to begin a new marriage.

The Gravy Cure

2009-09-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Whenever vague melancholia sets in (or in my case, crippling depression), it's good to look for natural remedies. At times like this, I like to take The Gravy Cure. While it may not actually "cure" anything in the technical sense, I can prescribe it without reservation as a soothing unguent for life's downturns.

A dear friend of mine, CarmelCorn, coined the term many years ago, when we worked together in the book world. He is a kind and wise man, knowledgeable in all matters related to ethics, parenthood, American music, and The Simpsons. He also held the regional record for meal charges to his expense account, so he knows a thing or two about good grub as well.

The first time I recall hearing about it, we had just gone through some brutal layoffs (er, "restructuring" was the term they used, I believe), and our tight knit posse of hilarious geeky intelligentsia was feeling battered and broken. We were a smart bunch, with a tendency to be socially awkward and difficult to employ in the traditional sense. Multiple employees were over 30 and lived with their parents, and one had watched The Exorcist in its entirety every single day for well over a decade. Then there were the real weirdos.

It was a tough blow, as many of us had begun working for the company in its heyday, when times were booming for giant bookstore/cafes. The news was shocking, and we were all pretty upset. Since we were already drinkers - we put the fun in functional alcoholism! - something more than a good bender was called for. CarmelCorn suggested that we indulge in some good, hearty Midwestern fare, and that it should be covered in gravy, because one's mood is always improved after ingesting gratuitous amounts of gravy.

I'll be damned if he wasn't right. We ate huge amounts. Enough to feel padded against the shock. And it worked.

As a result of the upheaval, my job changed from managing the events and outreach for a single store to managing many locations in a large area. This meant I had to travel a lot, often with my boss, the Zen Master. I turned him on to The Gravy Cure, and we began spreading the news throughout the land. All were converted, and still stand by the potent remedy even now. CarmelCorn's simple idea has reached far and helped many an ailing English major, and it is my belief that we should erect a monument in his honor.

I've been given plenty of mood elevators and antidepressants by doctors, and all they did was make me numb. But good gravy has mysterious properties that can, for a short time, loft one out of the darkness. It's like a warm hug, from the inside out. It may not have kept Sylvia Plath's noggin' out of the oven, but it can definitely make the day go better.

If you live in the Midwest - or the South, or any rural area with good diners or cafeterias, you'll be fine. In the morning you can go for biscuits & gravy, and later meals can vary: chicken fried steak, roast beef manhattan, fried chicken w/potatoes & gravy. Just think of the waitress as a gentle nurse who will help heal your suffering.

If you live in a place that does not have ready access to home-style cooking, you're going to need to make your own. DO NOT open a jar, or use a packet, or do anything that that demon harpie Sandra Lee would approve of. You're gonna need to do it, and you'll need to do it right if it's going to work.

For everything you could possibly need to know, please consult the bible, McGee's On Food and Cooking (if you don't own this, you should. you really, really should.). Simply open to Sauces: Sauces Thickened with Flour and Starch: Gravy on page 619, where the perfect method is outlined in detail. Do what he says. You'll be fine.

Sadly, not every kitchen is equipped with this indispensable tome (seriously, you should get this one), therefore I offer you this tutorial from Alton Brown. Learn how to do it, and enjoy the cure - it's good for what ails you.

Acid Test

2009-09-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of important things to discuss with a potential mate - finances, religion, children, etc. I think that vinegar needs to be on this list.

It is my long-held belief that 7 is the minimum number of vinegars one should have in the pantry.

Plain white vinegar
Apple cider vinegar
Red wine vinegar
Rice wine vinegar
Sherry vinegar
Champagne vinegar
Balsamic vinegar

They are all essential, and they all do different things; rarely can one be substituted for another. I myself once tried to justify this need to a lovely man who was reasonable and intelligent in most ways...but he was utterly dumbfounded by my need for so many options.

You really should address the basic pantry expectations in the early stages of dating, when you're determining the other important compatibilities, like Democrat vs. Republican, Black Sabbath vs. Led Zeppelin, and Gas vs. Charcoal.

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Keeping up with the Jones

2009-09-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

The fine folks at Jones Soda have come up with a new product for my people. And by "my people", I mean "nerds".

Dungeons & Dragons themed sodas! Makes me yearn to roll up a nice chaotic evil dwarf assassin...

Creepy Cooking: Tis the Season!

2009-09-09T13:17:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to get excited, because autumn is my favorite season (wooly berets! crackling fires!), and my favorite part of my favorite season is Halloween.

As a barely reformed aging goth who would happily walk around every day dressed like a chubby extra from a Tim Burton movie, this time of year makes me giddy with delight. It also means that it's easier to source fantastic items like these salt and pepper shakers by designer Chris Stiles - - -

Available HERE for $30.00, via Matter.

These aluminum skeleton salad tongs are a steal at $9.99 - as are the other skull-licious items in the Bone Collector Series from the always awesome Target.

This brain mold just begs to be filled with jello shots! Imagine all of your friends, gobbling up gelatinous, boozy grey matter! Drunk on brains! Dario Argento would be proud...

Happy Birthday Mum!

2009-09-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

My Mum never really wants presents for special occasions, because she'd much rather have a good meal. Whenever I ask her what she wants, she just says "cook".

I love 2500 miles from my folks, so this can be tricky. Happily, the entire family has conspired to fulfill her birthday request this year. If there's anything we enjoy more than eating, it's conspiracy.

Actually, that's not true. There's nothing we enjoy more than eating.

It came to my attention recently that Mum has never had posole, the traditional Mexican pork and hominy stew known for its therapeutic effects (especially by hangover sufferers). Perfect! Mum loves Mexican food! And pork! And drinking!

If all has gone according to plan, a package was delivered, Pop reheated the contents and prepped the garnishes, and birthday dining is in progress. Putting it together made me feel just like Kevin Spacey in Se7en! Only instead of coordinating decapitation and wrath, I sent a delicious savory stew.

ANYWAY.

For the full effect, please follow along with the pictures below, and imagine pithy repartee and endearing cooperation. It'll be just like we were there in your kitchen, only there will be fewer dirty dishes.

Please note for the record that The Man of the House is entirely responsible for the creation of this fantastic posole. He deserves 100% credit for it. I only deserve credit for being clever enough to marry a chef.

Say hello to my little friend

2009-09-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

This ex-Shriner has a marshmallow for a brain:

He was a sacrfice to the great Tiki -

Idle Hands...

2009-09-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Since I've had some extra time on my hands lately, I put my devilish mitts to work crafting a special idol for the tiki party - - -

The basic shape was made from a cereal marshmallow treat - I doubled the standard recipe, and used chocolate cereal plus a healthy spoonful of dark chocolate cocoa powder:

It was super soft and gooey at first, so I formed it into a basic loaf and left it to set up for a few hours:

Once it was solid enough to work with, I formed a his face (completely based on my acute memory of the taboo idol from Brady Bunch episode in Hawaii):

I covered him in fondant I tinted green, and started to paint in the details:

Tiki fini!

Pu Pu Plenty

2009-08-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Just upstairs from Root headquarters, Gamergrrl has quite the elaborate Tiki Bar permanently set up - she's been feeding this fetish for years. It's perpetually stocked to the hilt with a huge variety of top shelf liquor, and the glassware and accessories have been carefully curated to reflect the perfect mid-century Polynesian aesthetic. When she and the Fashionista announced a party, The Man of the House went full tilt kitsch, and created a very special sacrifice to appease the island gods -

Troll-caught Coho salmon meatballs (panko, sauteed onion, ginger, garlic, scallions, and a little egg to bind):

...all rolled up, and ready for baking (and served with a maple/ginger/horseradish glaze):

Fresh pineapple, slowly drying in the oven, so it can be incorporated into the Big Kahuna snack mix (bacon, Japanese rice crackers, toasted cashews, dried pineapple, soy sauce, cayenne, and brown sugar):

A gaggle of chicken wings, soon to be slathered in home-made teriyaki sauce (soy sauce, sugar, rice wine vinegar, mirin, water, ginger, garlic)

Beef skewers with lemongrass and home-made teriyaki sauce:

Pig candy! (bacon, cayenne, and brown sugar):

The chef was a little late to the party, because he had spent the afternoon frying fresh, home-made crab rangoons and spring rolls. However, his offerings pleased the Tiki gods, and he was rewarded with many fermented beverages.

Desert in Detroit

2009-08-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Both The Man of the House and I grew up within a few hours of Detroit (he actually lived there when he was in culinary school). For the greater part of our lives, Detroit has been suffering - even the Convention and Visitors Bureau opens with a nod to their bleak post-auto reputation:

It's not exactly the post apocalyptic vision from Robocop:

...but it still sucks.

The once booming city is falling to ruin, and it's becoming what's widely known as a "food desert" - an urban area devoid of places to purchase fresh, healthy groceries. As of early July, all of the major grocery chains have left the city -

Grocery closings hit Detroit hard | detnews.com | The Detroit News via kwout

So now there are neighborhoods with more than 2 dozen places to buy liquor, and zero places to buy fresh food. But there is a glimmer of hope in this grim visage of the near, dark future - and it's not Soylent Green.

Peaches & Greens is a retrofitted ice cream truck that delivers quality produce into the neighborhoods that need it the most - - -

Truck peddles fresh food, not ice cream, in Detroit | National | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle via kwout

Apparently there are other, similar projects (Guernica: Food Among the Ruins
) happening in the area, and I sincerely hope they get the attention and support they deserve. Nourishing a once-great city back to health is no easy task.

More on Detroit:
The Fabulous Ruins of Detroit

Slate.com: Detroit's Beautiful Ruins

Jalopnik.com: The Ruins of Detroit Industry

Gobble gobble

2009-08-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hunky madman Eli Roth is getting loads of attention as Brad Pitt's sidekick in Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds, but I love him for his sick mind and taste for explicit gore.

This is why I'm thrilled to hear a rumor that his Grindhouse faux trailer for Thanksgiving may be made into an actual feature film! Full story here (via Eat Me Daily) Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh my god that final shot at the dining room table makes me laugh!

Thanksgiving Trailer
by darkknight37

XXX Marks the Spot

2009-08-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

I like to take my wardrobe cues from mid-century librarians with questionable reputations. So when The Man of the House told me to get dressed last weekend, he knew I'd be in appropriate attire.

I was feeling blue, and he had a plan to fix it: old cars and root beer.

I'm originally from Indiana, where classic cars and rockabilly have never really left the vernacular. The music, style, and vehicles just stayed popular, and - like basketball and corn - become embedded in the DNA of natives.

The antidote to my troubles was to be a gut full of diner food and some very sexy vintage American automobiles. We drove about 45 minutes east of here to Issaquah, Washington. Issaquah is home to one of the two remaining locations of the once popular Triple XXX Drive In chain of restaurants.

The other can be found in West Lafayette, Indiana, and I've had the privilege of eating there on many, many occasions. I was even sober for some of them.

They have amazing breaded tenderloins (a Hoosier-centric treat), hand spun shakes and malts, and perfect breakfasts - all served in a wildly painted building with vertical orange and black stripes. It's hard to miss.

The Issaquah branch does not feature the same bold paint job, but the giant root beer barrel sign helps to mark the spot:

We visited during the Northwest Classic Chevy Club's '55, '56, '57 Chevy show - and the cars were spectacular!

The Triple XXX is a fully operational (and awesome) drive in. This is the genuine article, like the one in Indiana - not a fake, retro-fitted new joint, but one where the nostalgia is as authentic as the grub. They manage to wrangle the incredibly long lines with ease, and the delicious root beer is home brewed and served up in giant frosty mugs with soft serve -

The food portions are terrifying in their enormity - here our chili dogs (each served on a giant bed of fries):

My spirits improved immediately. Screw Prozac.

Next time I'm feeling blue, just give me some onion rings and hot rods, and I'll be fine.

Easy cheese

2009-08-04T06:01:00.000-07:00

“Cheese has always been a food that both sophisticated and simple humans love.”
M.F.K. Fisher, How to Cook a Wolf (1942)

Say cheese!

This simple fresh cheese is super soft/crumbly - think like a cross betwixt the texture of a feta and a ricotta. You can add any flavors you like - cracked pepper, herbes de Provence, salt and smoked paprika. You name it.

Feeling peckish? Toast up - or better yet, grill - some nice bread and spread it with this. Then you can gobble it right up, or pile it high with grilled veggies for a nice bruschetta.

Or mix it with plenty of fresh herbs and put it on top of some chopped roasted beets that have been dressed with a champagne vinaigrette (it'll turn a pretty shade of pink, and it'll taste great!).

Fresh Cheese
- 2 cups whole milk (we like to use local goat milk - when you use cow milk it is virtually flavorless, though that makes it a nice blank slate for your creativity)
- ¼ cup heavy cream
- juice of 1 lemon
- salt

~ Bring milk and cream to 180 degrees
~ Add lemon juice and stir until curd seperates from whey (about 1 minute). Try to avoid thinking of nursery rhymes.
~ Turn heat to low and continue to cook for 3 more minutes
~ Spoon curds into a cheesecloth lined strainer and add salt
~ Fold up edges of cheesecloth to make a sealed packet. Place a weight (like a can of tomatoes) on top of curds in the strainer to press out excess water. Let stand for at least 2 hours.

Just Ducky

2009-08-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

Right now, the farmers' markets are overflowing with sexy, good looking produce. The gorgeous kinds that you have fleeting, binge-driven affairs with - blueberries, cherries, sweet corn. If the market was Pretty in Pink, these juicy specimens would be Blaine:

Crush-worthy and beautiful, but ultimately they'll be gone before the next school year starts.

It's easy to overlook the more stalwart veggies. The ones that are less expensive. The ones you see at the market, day in, day out. Like chard. In our scenario, the chard is Ducky:

It's important to note that I have years of pent up geek rage at Andie's choice to dump Ducky at prom - she was a complete idiot. Ducky was devoted, sweet, clever, and a snappy dresser. Plus, he had great taste in music -

Damn you, Andie, for breaking his heart!

Ahem. Pardon me. I just felt that needed to be said. Even though I'm 40 and should be past harboring resentment about John Hughes films.

Back to the chard. The chard is Ducky. It's always there for you.

Apparently, chard is by its nature easy to grow (it'll be just fine, even when the temperatures drop into the 20s), it resists pests, and it's crazy good for you. Usually, we default to braising it with something deliciously porky - which is great, and I'll eat big bowls full. Here's a great dish that The Man of the House came up with - it's easy, and the leftovers pack nicely for lunch.

Just Ducky Chard Tart

- 2 bunches chard - chopped
- 2 cups fresh breadcrumbs
- 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
- 2 Tbsp olive oil
- 3 slices bacon chopped
- 1/2 med onion chopped
- 3 eggs
- fresh grated nutmeg
- salt and pepper

~ Cover chard with salted water and bring to a boil, cook for 15 minutes or until tender; drain and cool
~ Saute bacon and onion until the bacon is crisp and the onions are golden. Cool.
~ Coat a 9" pie pan coat with oil and press in 3/4 of the breadcrumbs and half of the grated parmesan - like a graham cracker crust on a cheesecake
~ Mix cooled chard, bacon and onion mixture, eggs, remainder of cheese, and the seasonings; carefully add to pie pan and breadcrumbs
~ Top with the rest of the breadcrumbs and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour

Ask and ye shall receive

2009-08-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

This is one from the request line - - -

My pal Lady Cottington thought she had an alien invasion in her garden. Turns out, she had a bumper crop of patty pan squash! The funny little saucers had taken over, and she wasn't sure if she should harvest them or alert the authorities.

Happily, these little suckers are not only adorable - awwwwww:

...they're also tasty. You can treat them like a yellow summer squash - just a different shape. Pick 'em and eat 'em while they're tiny. So cute!

Here's a recipe from Food & Wine - I know that Lady Cottington is fond of faraway spices, and this is an easy way to use up the surplus of squashes. They'd be great as a side with grilled lamb, or a nice surprise on a veggie tray for BBQs :

Curry Quick Pickles

INGREDIENTS
Squashes
3 tablespoons kosher salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 cup thin matchsticks of fresh ginger
6 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon Madras curry powder
1 1/4 cups unseasoned rice vinegar (4.3 percent acidity)

DIRECTIONS
Pack vegetables into 2 clean 1-quart glass jars. In another jar, combine the salt, sugar, ginger, garlic, curry powder and rice vinegar. Shake until the salt and sugar dissolve. Add 2 cups of water and pour the brine over the vegetables. Add enough water to cover the vegetables and keep them submerged. Close the jars and refrigerate overnight or for up to 1 month.

Creepy Cooking: Baking Bodies

2009-08-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

This creepy link and photo comes via the always wonderful Coolhunting -

Kittiwat Unarrom is a Thai artist who crafts gorgeous, morbidly accurate body parts out of bread dough. Apparently it's perfectly edible and tasty - - -

Read all about it here.

Wouldn't it be great to serve this at a dinner party? I can just picture all of my friends and family, dressed up and laughing over cocktails - gnawing on warm buttered corpsebread like chatty extras in a George Romero flick.

Salad Days

2009-07-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

Summer tastes like cucumbers and tomatoes.

I grew up in the Midwest, where it was a rare person who did not grow their own tomatoes and cucumbers. Those rare people are always the recipient of their neighbors' insanely bountiful harvests. Everyone has these items on hand at all times - I believe it is Indiana state law.

This salad shows up on summertime tables, in various incarnations, no matter where I am or who I'm with.

My Grandfather's version, with red wine vinager instead of lemon; my Mum's, with loads of onions and sometimes yogurt or sour cream; my own, without onions, but often with jicama. It is the ubiquitous side for all hot weather meals. This is the one made by The Man of the House, using herbs from our wee urban garden.

Cucumber, Tomato, and Onion Salad
1 cucumber
~ 1 tomato
~ ½ med onion
~ Juice of 1 lemon
~ 1 tbsp fresh mint, chopped
~ 2 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh thyme, chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh oregano, chopped
~ salt and pepper

- Peel, halve, and seed cucumber, slice into thin half moons
- Seed and chop tomato
- Thinly slice onion
- Toss everything gently in a large bowl; refrigerate at least 1 hour, so the flavors marry

Lamb, Chop

2009-07-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

Here's a great alternative to a traditional all-beef burger - we always keep some ground lamb on hand for quick grilling in the hot weather. Feelin' fancy? Mold 'em into ovals around a skewer you've cleverly soaked in water for 20 minutes. Grill.

Lamb Bouchettes

~ 1 lb. ground lamb
~ ½ med onion
~ 2 cloves garlic
~ 1 tbsp hot curry powder
~ 1 tsp cumin seed
~ 1 tbsp fresh mint chopped
~ 21tbsp fresh parsley chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh thyme chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh oregano chopped
~ salt and pepper

- Puree onion and garlic in food processor
- Sautee onion and garlic paste in butter until soft
- Add cumin and curry powder, sautee until golden, allow to cool

- When cool, add to ground lamb, seasonings, and chopped herbs
- Form into smaill patties (about 8)

- Grill over hot coals

Serve with lemon wedges

Cole Porter was right.

2009-07-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's too darn hot.

While I was enjoying the lovely, frigid air conditioning at work (bliss!), The Man of the House concocted this cool blue treat.

This Washington-centric ice cream uses local lavender, blueberries, and milk. The swirl of blueberry goo is nice and thick, and the floral scent from the lavender makes it perfect for grown ups. Eat this with a chunk of really dark chocolate, pulled strait from the 'fridge, and you're all set.

Blueberry Lavender Ice Cream

1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup cream
3 egg yolks
3/4 cup sugar
pinch salt
1 tsp lavender flowers
1 tsp vanilla extract
------------------------
1 cup blueberries
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
pinch salt

for blueberry swirl...
Combine everything, bring to boil, and let simmer until berries just burst; allow to cool

for the ice cream...
add first 5 ingredients and blend. Heat to 180 stirring constantly. add lavender and let steep for 5 min. strain and cool before freezing. swirl in blueberries at end.

It's Freakin' HOT!

2009-07-28T06:01:00.000-07:00

I hate the heat. I hate it like poison.

This is one of the many, many reasons I live in Seattle. Sadly, a laser of death (OK, some people call it the Sun) has been pointed at us, and our typical gorgeous summer days of 73 degrees have cruelly morphed into sweltering 90+ soul-suckers.

In this kind of heat, I don't want to cook. Hell, I barely want to eat. This is a perfect, easy recipe for a cold dish that will satisfy even in the scorched wasteland of late July.

Cous-Cous
~ 1 cup cous cous
~ 2 cups chicken stock
~ 1 tbsp butter
~ 1 tbsp fresh mint, chopped
~ 2 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh thyme chopped
~ 1 tsp fresh oregano chopped
~ salt and pepper

- Bring stock, seasonings, and butter to a boil – add cous-cous, stir
- Remove from heat and cover; let stand for 5 minutes
- Fluff with a fork, stir in fresh herbs

Now you can toss in whatever leftover bits and pieces you have: cold roasted chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, lemon juice, peas...virtually any tasty veggie will do nicely. Chill the whole works and consume while wishing for cooler temperatures.

If you can bear any kind of grilling, you can pair this with some tasty Spiced Lamb Patties, like so:

The Green Eyed Monster

2009-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Please, take a moment and read this terrific article by Scott Gold.

It's about a Foie Gras Jelly Donut he ate in Portland. This is one of those moments when I'm filled with that awful mix of admiration tainted by envy, because I really wish I'd written it.

When the Chef is Trying to Kill You, by Scott Gold (from The Faster Times)

Good things in small batches

2009-07-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

If you love food (and if you don't, what the hell are you doing here?), you should check out Foodzie. It's like the popular online purveyor of arty crafts, Etsy.

Only Foodzie is all small batch, artisan crafted, edible (and quaff-able) goodness, made by genuine real people who care about their products. Throw a few dollars their way, whydontcha. I know I will.

An Embarrassment of Riches

2009-07-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Another trip to the market - this time, West Seattle. Here's a bit of what we saw:

Here's what we brought back:
Rainbow chard, raspberries, blueberries, wee tomatoes, tiny artichokes, plain croissants, and chocolate croissants. Plus some tasty baguettes. There's a great market nearly every day of the week - git on out there and feast!

List: Sammiches for GamerGrrl

2009-07-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Here's another list for my pal GamerGrrl - she has a passion for good sammiches.

Seattle Deli Banh Mi
225 12th Ave S
Seattle, WA 98144
(206) 328-0106
Banh Mi are the perfect hybrid of two cultures, in sammich form. Toasty French bread, mayo, cilantro, julienne of carrot and daikon, jalapeno, and your choice of meaty bits inside. GamerGrrl likes the chicken, but I swear by the roasted pork. You're not going to go far wrong, in any case. Plus, they're staggeringly cheap - $2.25 for most, $2.50 for pork.

Tower Sundries Turkey Club
1809 7th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 682-8583
GamerGrrl actually introduced me to this one - tasty REAL slices of turkey, plus shattery bacon, and everything else you expect on a club. This out of the way spot is the go-to lunch joint for booksellers and business folks in the downtown core - it's run by the nicest Korean family, and they have awesome pictures of their adorable miniature schnauzers on the cash register.

El Quetzal Super Jairo Torta

3209 Beacon Ave S
Seattle, WA 98144
(206) 329-2970
OK, this one is for massive appetites only! As described on their menu: "Tortas are made with wheat Mexican bread sandwiches called "telera" stuffed with mozzarella cheese, beens, avocado, onions, tomatoes, and chipotle sauce." The Super Jairo also has breaded flank steak, beef sausage, and sliced ham. Coma-inducing deliciousness!

Baguette Box Crispy Drunken Chicken
1203 Pine Street
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 332-0220
From their menu: "battered crispy chicken + sweet tangy sauce + caramelized onions + cilantro". I may not be good at the maths, but I know that this adds up to a near perfect sammich. And yer a punk if you don't get the truffle fries. Bonus: loads of adorable pictures of doggies from the neighborhood are scattered all over the walls!

Paseo Midnight Cuban Press
4225 Fremont Ave N
Seattle, WA 98103
(206) 545-7440
Here's what they say: "Our contribution to the Fremont arts. Cuban roast pork nestled atop sweet banana peppers, draped w/ sheer slices of smoked ham & Swiss cheese melted between a hot press. It's a shame to eat such a masterpiece". Here's what I say: "Yummy!!!"

I Love New York Deli's Pastrami on Rye
Pike Place Market
1531 Western Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
This is a stall in the Market, kind of near the donut guy, just beyond the inside entrance to DeLaurenti. When I first moved here, I really missed having access to good deli, but happily these kinds folks have come to save the day. They even have Cel-Ray soda! Now, if I can find a freakin' place to get a decent bagel schmear and lox, I'll be set.

Dante's Coney Dog at Snacks
5219 Ballard Ave NW
Seattle, WA 98107
Dante serves up a great coney with a sauce that makes Midwestern transplants happy. Read all about it in this previous post.

The Sure Thing

2009-07-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

Some dudes learn to play a guitar so they can impress girls. That takes years of diligent practice, and it's a painful cliche. Listen up fellas, 'coz this is important:

Learn to cook.

All chicks dig it. So do the gents. Doesn't matter who you prefer, because everyone loves to eat. You just need a few simple recipes that are interesting and delicious, but still easy to make. The following is the side-dish equivalent of 3 strong martinis and a clever compliment about her eyes. If you mess it up after this, you have only yourself to blame.

Savory Blue Cheese Bread Pudding

~ 4 C. challah, cubed (we used Grand Central Baking Company's challah)
~ 1/2 medium onion, chopped fine
~ 4 T. butter
~ 2 C. chicken stock
~ 1/2 C. heavy cream
~ 2 eggs
~ 1 T. fresh thyme
~ 1/2 C. blue cheese (we used Wynoochee River Blue from the fantastic Estrella Family Creamery)
~ salt & pepper

- Saute onion in butter, over medium heat - until golden
Meanwhile...
- Whisk together the cream, stock, and eggs, pour over cubed bread (toss to coat), and set aside
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees
- Season onions with thyme, salt, and pepper; let cool, then add to bread/egg mixture
- You remembered to grease an 8X8 cooking pan, right? Right.
- Crumble blue cheese into the bread/egg mix, and pour the works into the cleverly pre-lubed pan
- Dot the top with butter. This is no time to be stingy.
- Bake at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes, until the top and corners are deep golden brown; we like to slide it under the broiler for the last few minutes so the top crisps up.

B.L.T. - the B is for Booze!

2009-07-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Man of the House, when left to his own devices, can be a bit of a mad genius. Today, I came home to this:

This is a B.L.T. Cocktail.

Bacon-infused vodka, freshly juiced organic tomato, and a foamy, frappe-ish garnish of bright green juice from lettuce grown in our backyard.

It's the craziest thing ever. Because he used raw, fresh juices, it tasted incredibly light. First, you smell the lettuce, and the vegetal hit is intense. The tomato juice was very thin and fruity, and the smoky bacon combined with it to make it taste just like a really good B.L.T. Only liquified. And booze-y.

It's a totally Willy Wonka experience - a whole, unexpectedly savory fluid journey. In your mouth.

I felt just like Violet Beauregard.

This little piggy got loaded...

2009-07-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is stupid-proof, and you need to do it. Great for parties! Impress your friends! Nothin' sez sexy like boozy pork!

Bacon Infused Vodka (small batch)

~ 4 slices of the best bacon you've got (about 3 oz.)
~ 250 ml (about a cup) of the most mediocre vodka you've got

- Cook the bacon. Eat the bacon. Save the fat.
- Pour the bacon fat into the vodka and stir
- Leave it alone, at room temperature, for about 2 hours (stir occasionally)
- Strain through a coffee filter

That's it. Now you have bacon vodka. Nothin' says "functional alcoholic" like a breakfast-y treat of booze! It's the key to the B.L.T. Cocktail, and it makes a splendid Bloody Mary.

I Scream

2009-07-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

Molly Moon's homemade ice creams are just the tonic on a warm day. They use local ingredients and happy cow milk, plus they have an awesome dog on their logo:

Tonight, we sampled the Honey Lavender -

This is by far the best Honey Lavender ice cream I've tasted (previous post about a far less successful version here) - bold lavender taste, without being soapy. Good stuff.

We also had the very popular Salted Caramel -

The Man of the House found it tasty, but too salty. I am a sodium freak, so it was fine for me, but I'll admit it teetered on the edge of being a bit much. Still, it was delicious, and both had perfect texture. Check 'em out in Wallingford and on Capitol Hill.

The Wrath of Naan

2009-07-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Boldly go where no naan has gone before. If you're expecting an away team to be transported into your kitchen, try this simple flatbread recipe.

It makes enough for a crowd, but that one dude (the one in the red shirt, standing between Bones and Spock) probably won't make it for dinner, so store the leftovers in foil. You can reheat them later.

Basic Naan
~ 6 cups bread flour
~ 1 cup buttermilk
~ 1 ½ cup warm water
~ packet active dry yeast
~ 2 tsp salt

- Add yeast to warm water and let proof for 5 minutes
- Add buttermilk, salt, and flour; mix in mixer with dough hook for 5-7 minutes
- Take out dough and spray bowl with oil
- Replace dough in bowl and spray top with a little oil; cover with plastic wrap and let rise until doubled in size (about 3-4 hours)

- Preheat oven with baking stone to 500
- Cut dough into 6 pieces

- Roll out/stretch dough into rough rounds about 10 inches in diameter

- Lay out on stone and bake one at a time until puffed with patches of dark brown

- Remove and brush tops with butter*. Wrap in foil until service.

* This is also a great time to add all manner of topical flavors: sea salt, cracked pepper, seeds, etc.

...and are my arms tired

2009-07-19T14:26:00.001-07:00

I just flew back from a short, work-related trip to Atlanta, on the worst airline in the universe. I know it's a tired old cliche to complain about modern air travel, and it's not like I have expectations of jet setting onto Hef's Big Bunny so I can make sexy chit-chat in the disco and be served cocktails by pretty girls wearing rabbit ears - - -

My expectations are low, and still I managed to be shocked and disappointed. On a 5 1/2 hour trip, I wasn't even given the option to purchase an overpriced "snack box" filled with crackers, a cookie, and regret.

Instead, this was tossed at me:

A mini bag of mini pretzels. Nine mini pretzels, to be precise. The serving amount listed on the back of the package was >.5 oz. - an amount so small that if it was a controlled substance instead of mini pretzels, a cop wouldn't even bother me about it.

Next time, I'm packing up a lunch before I go:

Snacks of the damned!!!

2009-07-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

"...the beauteous things which heaven bears..."
Dante Alighieri
The Inferno, Canto XXXIV

Dante Rivera's new Ballard bodega, Snacks, is only about 2 weeks old, but one can already see that it will soon be packed with all manner of beauteous things.

On our frequent trips to the Ballard Farmers' Market (previous entries here), we often stop at Dante's Inferno Dogs. They use Boar's Head meats, and have all of the proper options for toppings (including celery salt, which makes Chicago expatriates happy!).

When we found out about his new venture, we knew we had to stop in as soon as possible - rumor had it that in addition to the dogs, one could find treats both salty and sweet, beer, wine, and various sundries. We at Root are often inspired to need just the kind of provisions found there.

Dante is the nicest fella, and he may also be a genius - his Chilly Dog is a masterpiece of summertime goodness! The Chilly Dog is a toasted hot dog bun, topped with soft serve, creamy peanut butter, jam (we chose strawberry, which was fantastic). It's completely delicious, and the peanut butter is applied with a giant contraption that appears to be a modified caulking gun.

It's definitely a work in progress - he's got great stuff on the shelves (including pints of Molly Moon's ice creams, and wonderful little Rice Krispie treats w/Nutella in the middle!!!), but it's a little sparse at the moment, as they're working out all of the kooky distribution and delivery details. But we're early adopters, and we don't mind a bit. Plus, it'll be fun to see as new goodies start rolling in.

Highly recommended.

Bar Belle

2009-07-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I love bar cookies, and I'm especially fond of puffed rice treats. I have now found my favorite version anywhere, courtesy Dante's Snacks.

Apparently, the Peanut Butter & Nutella Rice Krispie Treat is the runaway bestseller at the new Ballard bodega. For good reason, too.

Honey! I'm Home! Catering is another independent Ballard business, and they have created the perfect treat! The cereal/peanut butter/marshmallow mix is airy and crispy (I am NOT a fan of the densely packed bricks that are commonly available), and the layer of Nutella is just the right ratio for the size of the bar.

Delicious!

Excuses, excuses...

2009-06-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Obviously, there haven't been many posts in the past couple of weeks - but we assure you there's a really good reason for it - - -

We ran off to Vegas to get hitched!

SO, we have some catching up to do, because we ate some really fantastic meals while honeymooning in the desert - stay tuned!

Creepy Cooking: Food Party on IFC

2009-06-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

It looks like TV Funhouse + Good Eats = IFC's new show Food Party.

It's strange and funny, and involves numerous creepy puppets. Here's a sample:

Fire, man

2009-05-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Zeppelin or Sabbath. Yankees or Red Sox. Mustard or Ketchup. You know immediately what side you're on, don't you? (I do: Sabbath, Sox, Mustard)

It's the same with grilling. Memorial Day is a big weekend for outdoor cooking, which means the fierce debate will begin anew.

Which do you prefer - gas or charcoal? Leave your thoughts in the comments

Best idea ever

2009-05-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm just mad because I didn't think of THIS first!

List: Home Cooking

2009-05-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am from Indiana, and Sunday is Race Day - which is a big, huge deal there. The race in question is the the 93rd running of The Indianapolis 500. I've never been to the track; frankly watching loud cars go in circles for hours, whilst sitting in the hot sun, surrounded by drunk people flashing boobage like it was Mardi Gras holds no allure for me. But all of the coverage in the news made me a touch nostalgic, so I offer you this list:

Home Cooking: Indiana food memories

4 meals and dishes that are most specifically evocative of my hometown

1.) Breaded tenderloin sandwiches at the Triple XXX in West Lafayette
The Triple XXX is a garishly painted (wide orange and black vertical stripes, in honor of Purdue University) institution that has been in operation since 1929. They serve the classic Hoosier sandwich of a thinly pounded pork tenderloin, battered and breaded and fried up crispy, served with yellow mustard and pickles. Utter heaven.

2.) Johnny Marzetti for lunch at school
I've written about this little gem before, so just click HERE if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

3.) Chicken velvet soup at the L. S. Ayres Tea Room
Generations of kids (myself included), have warm, sweet memories of annual trips to the L.S. Ayres flagship store in downtown Indianapolis, home of the Ayres Tea Room. Most beloved were the Chicken Velvet Soup, and the children's Hobo Meal (served tied up in a bandana - the mere mention of which is enough to make my dear friend Bapho's eyes mist over). The store has been gone since 1992, but the Tea Room has been lovingly recreated at the Indiana State Museum.

4.) Summer farm stand produce
This is the taste of summer: Green beans, fresh corn (like, an hour off the stalk fresh) and wee red potatoes simmered in a pot with something porky; served with sliced garden tomatoes still warm from the sun, and a salad of cucumbers, onions, and more tomatoes dressed in a sharp vinegar dressing.

The Dinner Table

2009-05-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

The Dinner Table was conceived by my beloved Cuz and his co-conspirator, WorldlyGrrl. It is very, very dear to me, and I really hope that you all read it online, and purchase a copy (for only $10, here).

The wacky yet brilliant idea is to gather together 10 strangers for a meal, then document what happens with photos and transcriptions of the conversations. The inspiration was my Cuz's memory of the spirited conversations and great food at my parents' house while we were growing up. Their first stop was the kitchen table at my Mum & Pop's house - next stop: Malawi.

I can't wait until they visit Seattle.

Julep follow up

2009-05-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned the joy of a fine Mint Julep previously, and if you are in the Seattle area and find yourself with a craving for the southern specialty, I have good news.

Vessel, a tiny but pretty bar just next to the theatre where I work, does a very fine Mint Julep. Woodfield Reserve, finely crushed ice, perfect mint - the whole nine yards. It's even properly served in a silver julep cup.

It's like a boozy sno-cone! Highly recommended.

GamerGrrl's Good Graces

2009-05-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

GamerGrrl is a dear friend - one of my favorite people, in fact. A while back (OK, quite a while back...sorry) she made a special request: lists.

She's likes quantifiable data, clear and concise information, and crisp organization. When we met, we were both still working in the book world (and I assure you that the sections she supervised were precisely shelved and maintained). So naturally, she likes lists. And she's been very patient, only resorting to guilt and shame once it became absolutely necessary.

So here is the first in a series of lists - this one inspired by a topic that The Man of the House and I chat about frequently:

Euthanasia Eats: Restaurant Dishes the Should be Put Out of Their Misery

5 items that we NEVER want to see on a menu again

1.) Raspberry Vinaigrette
While a perfectly balanced, well executed raspberry vinaigrette might be inoffensive enough, the prevalence of mass produced, over processed versions make me cry for the sweet release of death.

2.) Sun-dried Tomato Pesto
There's nothing inherently wrong with this one, either, but if I need something to time-warp me back to the late 80's/early 90's, I'll put on a fucking Nirvana album, thanks.

3.) Spinach Artichoke Dip
Required by law on the menus of crappy, mid-range restaurants. Feeling adventurous, a few years back we visited an Applebee's and unwisely ordered a plateful. We were both traumatized by the experience. It had a disturbing, slick mouth feel - apparently a sign of massive gum and stabilizer use. Ugh.

4.) The Chicken Caesar Salad
I love a good Caesar salad - a traditional version expertly prepared tableside (extra anchovies for me, please!) is a civilized pleasure. But since the practice has become all but extinct (raw egg fears being the final nail in the coffin), "Caesar" has come to mean only that it includes romaine lettuce, coutons, and a creamy dressing of suspicious origin. The addition of chicken further demoralizes this once great salad.

5.) Blackened anything
New Orleans and the surrounding areas are centers for some of the finest regional cuisine that this country has to offer. But somehow, good cajun/creole food became bastardized and for a while (in the 80's mostly, but you still see it once in a while) "blackened" items were a plague. Every possibly protein would be dredged through some crappy cayenne and burned up in a skillet, making a mockery of the genuine article.

Tell us, Gentle Eater, what would you like to see banned from menus?

Gravestone Maker

Chowderhead

2009-05-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

We had corn dogs for breakfast and sushi for lunch. Whatever shall we make for dinner?

Fresh corn and asparagus chowder, naturally.

Corn and Asparagus Chowder

1 bunch asparagus, woody ends trimmed
1 ear of corn, kernels cut off & cob reserved
1 small potato, peeled & cubed
1 small onion, chopped
3 C. chicken stock
1 clove garlic
3 slices bacon, chopped cooked & reserved
1.4 C. heavy cream
Salt & Pepper
Fresh thyme

- Chop asparagus into 1 inch bits, reserving the tippy tops
- In a saucepan, combine chicken stock, asparagus chunks, corn cobs, onion, salt & pepper, garlic, and thyme, bring to a simmer
- Simmer 20 minutes, until asparagus is just tender
- Remove corn cobs, and whizz the hell out of it in a blender. BE careful and start slow- it's hot, and you don't want to blow the top off the whole works
- Puree roughly 3 minutes, or until smooth
- Pour back into the saucepan, add potato, check the seasoning, and simmer until tender (probably about 15 minutes). then..
- Add the/corn/asparagus tips/bacon- and just heat through. Swirl in cream and enjoy

Namesakes

2009-05-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting tidbit, courtesy the fine folks at the Presurfer -

10 People Who Gave Their Names to Food

I can imagine no greater gift than to have a delicious dish named for me. I'm guessing it would be based on either pork or dark chocolate.

If you could have a dish named in your honor, what would it be? Leave it in the comments.

Fair Food Rules

2009-05-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have certain Rules for dining on midways or at street fairs. I do not demand that others follow them, but I am quite orthodox in my adherence to The Rules. I now share them with you, Gentle Eater.

1. Portability is King
I don't like anything that requires a seat at a table and proper utensils - no messy burgers, ribs, or ethnic platters. I am a big fan of skewers, kebabs, and cones, as well as hum bao, roasted corn, samosas, and sausages of all kinds.

2. Fried dough allegiance
There are elephant ear people, and there are funnel cake people. I am a strictly funnel cake girl - powdered sugar only.

3. No pizza
Pizza is unacceptable in these settings.

4. If there's a local institution that shows up at all of these sorts of places (and has for years), give it a go
In Indiana, you should always partake of St. Elmo's, Brother Juniper's and Zeb's BBQ stands if they are on site. In Seattle, I enjoy the weisswurst at Ziegler's Bratwurst Haus, and there are a couple of piroshky places that are good.

5. Embrace history
If you happen to be visiting an historic event - any Renaissance Faire, The Feast of the Hunter's Moon (in West Lafayette, IN), a Civil War reenactment, or Conner Prairie (in Fishers, IN), etc. - definitely head directly to the vendors with period-centric foods. It's fun, and often tasty: venison stews, corn cakes, slooooow cooked pork and beans, and of course huge manly haunches of meat. Good times.

6. Novelty items are A-OK
Cotton candy, fried oreos/twinkies/pickles and the like, Dippin' Dots, and other oddities are encouraged. No one's judging you here. Go for it.

U Food

2009-05-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

We visited the University District Street Fair this morning. It's been a couple of years since we've been, and the weather was gorgeous, so it seemed the natural choice for our first day off together in ages.

Going early has many benefits, including kick ass parking, fewer stinky hippies, and corn dogs for breakfast.

You heard me. Corn dogs.
For breakfast.

You know you're jealous.

We had some roasted corn as well - sort of a corn dog chaser. It was fine - we doctored it up w/butter, salt, chile con limone, lime juice, and shaker cheese. Tasty, but nothing like corn from Indiana. I was just about to say that out loud, when I saw this:

While my palate may always harbor the lustful memories of produce past, cheap fresh seafood sure does go a long way to sooth a person. Eating local is definitely the way to go, especially here in Washington. $1 shrimp cocktails at 11am = priceless.

Klingon Cuisine

2009-05-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

Please, do yourself a favor and check out this fantastic post at Serious Eats - it's Trek-tacular!

A Primer to 'Star Trek' Food and Drink

Live long and prosper, my friends!

Sheesh!

2009-05-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

The previous post (Make Up Artist) seemed to really touch a nerve with people. Though there are only a few comments here on the site, we both got more in-person and via The Facebook.

Some folks were worried - to them, it seemed that we must be doomed as a couple for one of us to write in a public forum about the need to make up after a slightly grumpy evening. Others took it as an opportunity to reflect on how shared meals are an important daily rite in their families; some gossiped, some tried making a new dish for their partners, some felt superior because they live a life completely free of normal adult disagreements.

We really had no idea people were reading us (hey, thanks!) and actually paying attention. The update on the whole goofy thing is that the meal was lovely, and we were both completely over it well before the salad was served.

I write about loads of everyday stuff here, from my ill-behaved French Bulldog to my kooky Mum. I've also written about how proud I am that my better half is an awesome guy. It's all tied back to the food, and none of it is terribly dramatic.

So thanks for reading, and please leave comments as often as you like (it'll help us establish that we have enough readership to gun for a book deal in a few years). And make a nice meal for a loved one soon, not as an apology, but just because.

Make Up Artist

2009-05-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in the doghouse with The Man of the House, because I'm a big jerk. This will not shock those of you who know me personally, as I can often be a big jerk. We don't really bicker that often, so for now I'm laying low, and biding my time while deciding what I should make for the Make Up Meal.

There's plenty of talk about Make Up Sex - if you use The Google to search for it, you'll get 314,000 hits. But no one really discusses the Make Up Meal. We both do it naturally, and have never discussed it. It's just the most obvious form of silent, heartfelt apology. You make something special with your own hands, it takes a little effort and attention, and you present it without making a big deal out of it. Cooking a meal expresses love, and it settles things in a nice, civilized manner.

So I'm thinking about what to make.

I tend to think that decadent comfort foods provide a pretty powerful mojo. Few people are immune to the Siren song of real cream sauces, or anything fried in butter.

I'll stop by the store on the way home tomorrow, and get the fixins for a rosemary chicken pie with a bourbon cream sauce, puff pastry top, and some sort of veg in it. Whatever looks good.

~ First I'll render a little bacon, and reserve the crispy bacon bits (or the Confetti of the Gods, as I like to call them)
~ Then I'll caramelize some onions in the fat - because The Man of the House likes onions, and it'll be a nice gesture. Plus, they taste good. Those will be set aside once they are a dark, uniform amber hue
~ Next, a roux - a little more fat, and an equal amount of flour, then cook it up until it's light and golden - then, I'll pour in a little very good bourbon. Or a lot, depending on how irritated he seems at that moment
~ I'll throw in some rosemary roasted chicken meat, and whatever veg looks good, then cover with some stock and stir
~ Then I'll season it and top it with some puff pastry squares that I cleverly made in advance

I'll post a real recipe and picture once I've actually made it. Hopefully, it will get me out of the doghouse.

Tell me - what are your make up meals? Do you do anything in particular that you make when you want to say you're sorry? Or do you have any meals (or dishes, or drinks, etc.) that you expect your better half to make for you when you're bickering?

The comment lines are open.

Coooooookies!

2009-05-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

Two of my favorite things - NPR and Cookie Monster. Enjoy!

Very cool

2009-05-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Arctic Club is a swanky hotel in downtown Seattle, and it is my new object of affection (obsession?).

Pictures from the Arctic Club Hotel website -

The whole joint is tricked out in gorgeous Art Deco design, and the divine Polar Bar completely fulfills my Nick & Norah Charles fantasies -

They have a great menu of classic cocktails, as well as some nibbles from the main dining room, Juno.

There is a big, gorgeous fireplace, a civilized billiards table, and lighting low enough to make me look really good. I think it may be one of the coziest and most romantic spots downtown. Highly recommended.

The Ballard Market

2009-05-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

The Ballard Market is great (if crowded) - the vendors are high quality, the prepared foods are fantastic and varied, and they allow dogs! They even have a blog, with inside info from the vendors.

I was born in Indiana, and sometimes I miss the sweet corn and perfect tomatoes that were so prevalent in the markets there - nothing here even compares.

But I am soon soothed with stands offering exotic local goods that would have been unimaginable in the landlocked midwest -

There are all sorts of stands, with a little bit of everything -

Fresh baked breads -

Natural soaps -

Rhubarb -

Cider -

Organic starts -

Pastry -

Tulips -

Even goat meat!

Right now, my favorite sign of spring is everywhere - asparagus!

I think we have enough to make a tart and some soup. Recipes forthcoming.

Cheesy

2009-05-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite places to visit at the Ballard Market is Estrella Family Creamery -

They are based in Montesano WA, and it's an all organic, happy, family dairy. And the cheeses are magnificent! There are so many (and so many award winning) to choose from - it's always hard to decide. Happily, the kind Estrella family members are quick with samples and sage bits of guidance.

Today we chose the Guapier, Wynoochee River Blue, and the Jalapeno Buttery - here are the proper descriptions, taken from their website:

Guapier: Cow's milk, made in the tradition of a French "Morbier", with a decorative charcoal line separating the evening and morning curd. Named after an extra special animal on the farm with a name that means “handsome”- Guapo. (Raw cow's milk, aged 60 days)

Wynoochee River Blue: Cow's milk, blue veined, with a rustic natural rind and soft paste. Hand assembled with the curd of two separate milkings. Pairs well with apples or pears, as a desert with honey, or with a big Syrah. Approx. 5 lb wheels. (Raw cow's milk, aged 60 days)

Jalapeño Buttery: Our "Buttery" recipe, cow's milk cheese full of hand sliced fresh jalapenos, a big EFC favorite. (Raw cow's milk, aged 60 days)

Unbelievably good local cheeses are one of life's great pleasures - if you live in Seattle, you need to try them.

Unrequited Love

2009-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

In all the times I've been to the Ballard Market on a Sunday, I've never eaten at Veraci Pizza.

I'd love to, but the line is always (always!) 20 deep. They seem to be efficient, don't get me wrong - it's just that I'm usually too eager to snoop around and see what's new to feel like queuing up.

I'm intrigued by their colossal wood fired oven on wheels -

The pies look delicious, and are whipped up to order on the spot -

I'd love to try it, and I'm a little sad I haven't - but that's OK.

Because there are worse things than staring at the pizza as you're walking through the market planning dinner with your lover in the early summer on a Sunday.*

*My deepest apologies for both shamelessly plugging the production at my day job while simultaneously butchering the genius poetry of Stephen Sondheim.

Frites to Be, You and Me

2009-05-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

The frites at Cafe Presse are perfect and delicious -

- but they are still merely a mayonnaise delivery system. I cannot say no to them.

Only, "oui, oui".

This is not a Mint Julep

2009-05-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

There was an astounding win at the Kentucky Derby today, with underdog Mine That Bird coming from waaaaaay behind for a 50-1 upset. Of course, we watched it all unfold, and celebrated with drinks. They were not Mint Juleps.

Oh, the essential elements were the same, but we are damn Yankees, and we served them in glass. Unconscionable. Heresy, even. They were boozy and delicious, yes, but they were not Mint Juleps.

The Buckner Home in Overland Park, Kansas provides us with a great story about the history of the drink. They also have an important piece of correspondence that illuminates the subtleties of its construction in eloquent terms even primitive Northerners can grasp. When asked for his "recipe", S.B. Buckner, Jr. replied with this:

March 30, 1937

My dear General Connor,

Your letter requesting my formula for mixing mint juleps leaves me in the same position in which Captain Barber found himself when asked how he was able to carve the image of an elephant from a block of wood. He replied that it was a simple process consisting merely of whittling off the part that didn't look like an elephant.

The preparation of the quintessence of gentlemanly beverages can be described only in like terms. A mint julep is not the product of a FORMULA. It is a CEREMONY and must be performed by a gentleman possessing a true sense of the artistic, a deep reverence for the ingredients and a proper appreciation of the occasion. It is a rite that must not be entrusted to a novice, a statistician, nor a Yankee. It is a heritage of the old South, an emblem of hospitality and a vehicle in which noble minds can travel together upon the flower-strewn paths of happy and congenial thought.

So far as the mere mechanics of the operation are concerned, the procedure, stripped of its ceremonial embellishments, can be described as follows:

Go to a spring where cool, crystal-clear water bubbles from under a bank of dew-washed ferns. In a consecrated vessel, dip up a little water at the source. Follow the stream through its banks of green moss and wildflowers until it broadens and trickles through beds of mint growing in aromatic profusion and waving softly in the summer breezes. Gather the sweetest and tenderest shoots and gently carry them home. Go to the sideboard and select a decanter of Kentucky Bourbon, distilled by a master hand, mellowed with age yet still vigorous and inspiring. An ancestral sugar bowl, a row of silver goblets, some spoons and some ice and you are ready to start.

In a canvas bag, pound twice as much ice as you think you will need. Make it fine as snow, keep it dry and do not allow it to degenerate into slush.

In each goblet, put a slightly heaping teaspoonful of granulated sugar, barely cover this with spring water and slightly bruise one mint leaf into this, leaving the spoon in the goblet. Then pour elixir from the decanter until the goblets are about one-fourth full. Fill the goblets with snowy ice, sprinkling in a small amount of sugar as you fill. Wipe the outsides of the goblets dry and embellish copiously with mint.

Then comes the important and delicate operation of frosting. By proper manipulation of the spoon, the ingredients are circulated and blended until Nature, wishing to take a further hand and add another of its beautiful phenomena, encrusts the whole in a glittering coat of white frost. Thus harmoniously blended by the deft touches of a skilled hand, you have a beverage eminently appropriate for honorable men and beautiful women.

When all is ready, assemble your guests on the porch or in the garden, where the aroma of the juleps will rise Heavenward and make the birds sing. Propose a worthy toast, raise the goblet to your lips, bury your nose in the mint, inhale a deep breath of its fragrance and sip the nectar of the gods.

Being overcome by thirst, I can write no further.

Sincerely,
S.B. Buckner, Jr.

So you see, we did not have Mint Juleps. But we did have some lovely drinks for Derby day.

Hot Chix

2009-05-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love fried chicken. LOVE it. And happily, we live mere steps away from some of the best on the planet - if my Pop isn't making it, then I want Ezell's.

Oprah has famously endorsed them as her favorite, and it is rumored that she has sent her people (I sure hope it wasn't poor Steadman) on cross country missions for it. So really, you don't need me to tell you it's good.

But it is soooooo good! The sides are limited, and mediocre at best - but the chicken! Oh the chicken! Crisp and shattery, a hint of spice, and super moist flesh. I'm all about the dark meat, myself, and The Man of the House likes breasts (shut up), so we get a mix.

Ezell's Fried Chicken

Ezell's has 5 locations in the Puget Sound area.
Visit one near you!

Woodinville Location
17323 140th AVE. NE (140th & 175th)
Woodinville, WA 98072
425-485-8960

Renton Location
4575 NE 4th AVE (4th & Duvall)
Renton, WA 98058
425-228-9008

Seattle Location
501 23rd AVE (23rd & E. Jefferson)
Seattle, WA
206-324-4141

South Seattle Location
11805 Renton AVE. South (Next to Skyway Bowl)
Seattle, WA
206-772-1925

Lynnwood Location
7531 196th SW (76th & 196th)
Seattle, WA
425-673-4193

Moshi Moshi

2009-05-02T12:30:00.001-07:00

I enjoyed a lovely evening with some gal pals last week, at Moshi Moshi in Ballard. It's the first time I've been there, and I'll definitely go back. Here's the breakdown:

Food: I very much liked my Chirashi (sashimi over rice in a bowl - a fave of mine), and the other ladies had no complaints

Ambiance: Adorbs! They have a very cute, lit-up sakura behind the bar -

Service: Meh. Not great. Not rude or anything, but sloooooow, and less than attentive. But since this is the only time I've been there, it's forgivable. Everybody has bad days.

Drinks: Fantastic! GamerGrrl is second only to Rachael Maddow in cocktail expertise, and even she approved of their interesting specialty cocktail menu.

I'll be interested to try it again -

Moshi Moshi

Mon-Thurs 4:30-10pm dinner
Fri & Sat 4:30-11pm dinner
Closed Sunday

Happy Hour
Mon-Thurs 4:30-6pm & 10-11:30pm
Fri & Sat 4:30-6pm & 11pm-1am

5324 Ballard Avenue
Seattle, WA 98107
206.971.7424

Snack time

2009-05-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Tallulah, pictured here with her favorite snack:

She enjoys paper products of all kinds, in particular, toilet paper. I have no recipe. Just the sad feeling of failure that comes with being unable to discipline a dog with such cute ears.

Mousse

2009-04-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Chocolate mousse is my favorite dessert, period. I'm getting hitched soon (Vegas, baby!), and I will not have some nasty, dry piece of cake awaiting me after I declare that I do. Nope.

I'm having chocolate mousse. At Bouchon. 'Coz that's how I roll.

Just the other day, I had chocolate mousse for lunch. Not "after", but "for". Shut up - you're not the boss of me. That particular mousse came from Dilettante's - they have a kiosk in the same building as our theatre. It is a very nice, creamy mousse, in a positively gluttonous portion - which I appreciate.

My current favorite mousse is from the divine Bakery Nouveau. Here is the description from their menu:

70% Mousse
A dark 70% chocolate mousse on a chocolate biscuit base coated with a black glaze (made from very dark, strong cocoa powder) decorated with a 60% chocolate bar.

>

Delicious.

Mix and Match

2009-04-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

The essential warm-weather meal at Root HQ: The Mixed Grill

We both love eating meals comprised of lots of little nibbles, so the mixed grill is a staple when the weather is nice. Simple olive oil, salt & pepper, and often a dusting of Spanish smoked paprika dress tasty grillables, featuring a mix of meats, veggies, and usually potatoes (sometimes we'll substitute thick slices of bread).

Tonight's Feast:

Lamb chops
Chicken drumettes
Andouille sausage
Potatoes
Asparagus
Tiny zucchini
Spring onions

We snacked on radishes with butter and salt while waiting - then, an embarrassment of riches:

Almost anything you have lying around can be added - other favorites include halved tomatoes, red peppers, jalapenos, mushrooms, leeks, pork chops, skirt steak, eggplant, prawns, onions...you name it. The only key is the timing - just pay attention and add them according to cooking time.

Dessert? No problem - you can halve some stone fruits (like peaches or plums or nectarines) remove the stone, then dip the cut halves into melted butter followed by brown sugar. Place them on the grill and cook until the fruit starts to soften and the sugar caramelizes. Drizzle the final product with fresh, cold, unadulterated heavy cream. Easy.

Breakfast of Champions

2009-04-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

I love big, American-style breakfasts.

My parents would often take me out on Sunday mornings for giant, Midwestern breakfasts - at least a couple of times a month. We tended to be loyal regulars at smallish, local eateries with super traditional choices. Biscuits and gravy were often present, but I've NEVER had any that can even begin to compare with my Pop's home-made variety, so I usually skipped them. Eggs, bacon, sausages, toast (whole wheat/no butter for Mum), pancakes - the whole shebang. Afterwards, we'd usually go see a matinee at the nearby movie theatre. A fantastic Sunday.

My current favorite Sunday activity still involves breakfast out - now, at the cafe in the West Seattle Easy Street Records. It's perfect, because even if the wait is long, you can kill the time in a great independent record store.

They have great coffee, and traditional diner fare. The menu is peppered with groan-inducing musical names for the dishes: James Browns are loaded hash browns, there are New Wave-O's Rancheros, the Dolly Parton Stack is a heapin' helpin' of hotcakes.

I always get the Suzy-Q: 3 eggs any way, bacon, hash browns, choice of toast. Here it is, doused in plenty of hot sauce -

They use a really nice, thick cut bacon, which I very much appreciate -

The Man of the House is not a huge fan of breakfast fare, so he generally opts for one of the more lunch-centric items, like this Culture Club -

We both get what we want to eat, and we usually come away with new CDs to play in the car on the way home. A great way to end the weekend.

Bakery Nouveau

2009-04-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

My very favorite bakery in Seattle is Bakery Nouveau in West Seattle.

The Chef, William Leaman, has won a gazillion awards, and is consistently rated as one of the finest pastry chefs on the planet. And his bakery is, like, 15 minutes from my house. There is no greater luxury than living close to world class pastries. Keep your bling - I want croissants!

The plain croissants are perfect in every way - they are the very essence of croissant: shattery, dark golden exterior and light inner layers of delicate, buttery goodness.

The chocolate croissants are heaven - good, dark chocolate (and plenty of it) inside the aforementioned perfect croissant -

They make a twice baked chocolate almond croissant (it's SOAKED in simple syrup before being filled, topped, and baked again!) that is pure evil. I ate one once. It was positively hallucinogenic in its decadence. I swear to you, when I ate it, I could see through time.

Their baguettes, predictably, are excellent. The crust is crisp and rough, and the light bread begs for nothing more than some fresh butter. Of course, if you're very clever, you might put a very thin - transparent, even - slice of prosciutto on top.

This stuff is well worth going out of your way for - visit them at:
Bakery Nouveau
4737 California Avenue SW
Seattle WA 98116

West Seattle Farmers' Market

2009-04-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

Early springtime at the West Seattle Sunday market -

Rhubarb, perfect for Colicchio's fancy-schmancy PB&J (thanks, Serious Eats)

Jerusalem Artichokes, in all their lumpy grubby-ness -

New Asparagus -

One of my favorites - little morels! If you're feeling spendy, buy some, then: Wash, dry, whisk egg whites until foamy & drag morels through, dredge in cornmeal, fry in butter, salt and pepper while still hot, drain, consume.

I don't really like to eat Fiddleheads, but I think they are a beautiful and welcome sign of spring. I'll stick with pictures -

Radishes with butter & salt are my favorite snack with drinks -

The first onions -

I can't wait to see how the goods change over the coming weeks! Soon, there will be berries...

Pleased to meat you!

2009-04-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

I found this at one of my daily stops, the always wonderful Boing Boing (seriously, if you don't read Boing Boing, you're missing out).

Business cards.

Made of meat.

Best. Idea. Ever.

Please don't think less of me...

2009-04-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Here's a delightful new interactive site, My Food Valentine, that allows one to compose a love letter to food. I found it cathartic.

My Dirty, Secret Love:

I've always been a sucker for salty, bad-boy types.

I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself. I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you. I sneak around with you, only occasionally - a foodie booty call. Usually late at night. Possibly drunk.

You're cheap. Trashy, even. But my secret passion for you is quick to ignite. The merest whisper of your name in a sitcom punchline is enough to make me begin to salivate and yearn for you. I feel dirty, and think about you often.

Oh, it's true - I've ducked out under cover of night to pick up your hot ingredients. I've driven to out-of-the-way convenient stores, and paid a stranger cash so that I could spend a guilty evening with you. I've never let on about us.

Dearest Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast, I'm sorry for all of the sneaking around. I can't help myself.

I love you, and I don't care who knows it.

Yours,
RootFood

Rye Wit

2009-04-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

Alternate post title: Suave motherfuckers who like booze, and the hot bookish girls who love them

This is one of my favorite scenes on film - from The Big Sleep.

Philip Marlow (Humphrey Bogart) chats up the sassy bookstore gal (Dorothy Malone), saying at one point "I've got a pretty good bottle of rye in my pocket". Naturally, she decides to close up shop early - watch for the way she pulls the shade down over the door; it's priceless. This scene is re-enacted in our home roughly 3 times per week.

Rye is an under-appreciated spirit. I had certainly never really paid attention to it. I suppose I was aware of its presence, in the same way you know were aware that the paste-eater kid sat behind you in homeroom - a vaguely wary recognition, that fades from memory quickly. But the Man of the House digs the stuff, and made a delicious and refreshing cocktail with it this week. I am becoming a fan.

Here is the recipe, for what we've dubbed -

The Big Sleep

~ Fill a Collins with ice, and top with 2 splashes of bitters
~ Add 1 1/2 oz. pretty good Rye whisky
~ 1 1/2 oz. good quality limeade
~ Fill with ginger ale

Stir to combine and serve with a wedge of lime

I subsequently discovered this bears a striking resemblance to a Presbyterian. It has a similar combp of ginger ale and rye, but differs in the details.

Mix up your cocktail hour and try something new - rye is like a spicy bourbon, and it's a nice, light change of pace with fizzy mixers. This could be your drink of the summer!

I must have these!

2009-04-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

Actually, I don't really like orange cheese crackers, but I loves me some Scrabble!

Cheez-Its + Scrabble = snacktacular>!

If the serving size is not the regulation seven tiles, I will be pissed.